It's a Brain Disease

Scared of Monsters

2009-03-02T11:46:00.004-05:00

By the light of a new day, my fears about buying the house feel much more manageable. Last night, I felt swallowed up by enormous monsters of irrational fear; fear of losing my life savings, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of markets crashing, the world imploding, the seas rising...

Steve stayed patient with me. When he came to bed we talked and he held me and I calmed down. I don't have to worry about our relationship. He's sober. I'm committed. We've worked through a lot of shit and made it. And when I think about my future, he's always in the picture. He's my family, and I love him with all my heart and soul.

The house is the right price. It's in the right location. It has everything we want. I don't know what else will come onto the market. But I don't want to lose our chance at this place while we wait for something better to come along. We've looked at a lot of houses, and this one fits us BOTH.

It feels like jumping off a cliff, taking a LEAP into the unknown, betting it all on one hand. It's easy to take risks when the consequences are small or unknown.

I remember riding an amusement park ride where you're lifted straight up in the air and then dropped straight down. That rush of anti-gravity was so exhilarating, that I stood in line over and over again.
My freshman year in college, I walked out the door of the dining hall carrying one of the heavy, wooden dining hall chairs, past the old ladies watching the students to make sure we didn't smuggle food, and brought it across the quad to my dorm room. To me, it was a minor thrill. My friends were shocked and awed.
Last month I called a competing business and pretended to be a potential client to find out pricing information for my coworker.
These are the small risks that I have no problem making. My actions don't affect anyone but me, and the consequences don't hurt anyone.

This action, buying our first home, requires me to be brave in a whole other way. It's a commitment to our future. It's exciting and exhilarating as an amusement park ride, but without the guarantee of a safety harness. I'm praying about it, and slowly feeling more certain, more ready, more excited.

Next step...take off?!?

Searching

2009-03-01T19:26:00.002-05:00

We went back to the little yellow house today to see if it was still The One. I'm scared to buy this house. Life is so uncertain. I do not like to gamble, and this feels like gambling with everything I have.
I'm reading a terrific book called "An Altar in the World" by Barbara Brown Taylor. She talks about finding God everywhere, in everyone. She talks about the divinity of the human body and its desires and failures. All part of God's universe.
I am scared of screwing up this relationship again.

Mini Vacation

2009-02-26T19:24:00.004-05:00

We just got back from four days in Florida, which was heaven after months of snow and cold and ice here in New England. The first picture was the view from our hotel (the second picture is our patio before we left).

Our plane was delayed, of course, so we didn't arrive until after 3am on Saturday. The poor guy checking us in must have felt really bad for us because he gave us a room upgrade, which we were way too tired to appreciate. But the next morning, when I opened to the curtains to that view. I felt like the luckiest gal on the planet! We had a terrific time in the sun. Plus we went to a live butterfly museum and spent hours watching the butterflies float by and the hummingbirds dart around. The trip was brief and more money than I wanted to spend, but worth it for every second we spent relaxing together in the sun.

Still haven't made a decision on the house, though.

But, I have a ring on my finger, so that means we're going to make another go of it! Don't expect any big wedding plans. We eloped the first time around and plan on going even more low-key the second (and final!) time.

:-)

Much love,
Molls

House hunting

2009-02-18T14:08:00.004-05:00

I want a home. I want a place to call my own. I want to raise my family alongside my man in this home of ours. I want to live in this town. I love it’s history, it’s charm, it’s proximity to the ocean. I love all the old houses, the friendly shopkeepers, the local farms.

We found this house. Built in 1850, it’s been completely redone and turned into a two family. We could have the second and third floor. We’d have our own yard. I want this home.

Before we started looking, I bought the cheapest, warmest, shortest vacation I could find. Steve and I are going to Florida on Friday for a long weekend.

When we get back, maybe we’ll make an offer. It’s just that it costs so damn much. 20% down? HA! We can barely scrape together 10%. And then all the closing costs, insurance and taxes, OH MY! But when I crunch the numbers, it looks like we could do it. As long as the economy doesn’t tank and neither one of us loses our job.
I want this house. I want to put a big fluffy perennial bed in front. I want to push a stroller up to this door. I want to call THIS one, home.

LOVE Holiday

2009-02-11T09:03:00.003-05:00

Valentine's Day is almost here and I'm in the mood for love! Steve and I are talking about getting remarried. We found my ring (still in my underwear drawer--no thief will ever look there!) from the first time around and brought it to a jeweler to get altered a bit. It will be our ring, just a little different. Just like us. We're checking out lots of houses. We're talking about joint bank accounts and babies. We're having conversations about our future together.
This is a gift and a miracle.
I know this is a journey and a process. I know we will have our times of doubt and despair. I know that I am connecting my life to his, but after almost 7 years, I can confidently say that I truly know what that connection means.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

A little history

2009-01-28T10:24:00.005-05:00

I was cleaning out my inbox today and found a whole bunch of emails from when Steve and I were splitting up. It made me so sad to read those. And so grateful we stayed together. Emails about the apartment and divorce papers and trying so hard to do right by ourselves and each other. Emails filled with longing for good times again. Emails filled with regret for the way things turned out.
Steve and I did divorce. But we never really separated. He got his own apartment, but after a few months was staying with me almost every night. We moved back in together officially one year (almost to the day) after our initial split. I wish we had never had to end our marriage. But I think that was a big part of the reason that Steve started examining his alcohol use and abuse. He was still drinking even when we moved back in together. And I was doubting my decision constantly. Thank god for counseling.
When I read back through some of my posts from the summer and fall, I'm amazed at how awful things were before AA. Alcoholics Anonymous gave me my Steve again. I never thought that would be possible. And now he's approaching 5 months of sobriety. It doesn't sound like much, but it feels like heaven.

Today I am grateful for:
The snow falling outside. It's beautiful, even though I'm tired of winter. I get to work from home on days like this.

My new cat curled up next to me on the couch.

A warm house. A terrific job.

Another day that I don't have to wonder how drunk he'll be when he comes home.
Another day of having my partner fully present.
Another day to learn to trust each other again.
Another day to fill with love and gratitude.

Working on it

2009-01-25T10:57:00.003-05:00

Our homework for this week, as assigned by our couples counselor, is to write down everything we're thinking and feeling about having a child. This makes a lot of sense as we're having so much trouble talking this one out. I thought I'd do my homework here:

Baby.
Yes, I definitely want one, probably two. The smart plan would be to buy a house first. But I know that life doesn't always move according to plan. And I'm off the pill now, so accidents could happen. You know, being on the pill allows relationships to avoid the biology of their existence. Before birth control, there was no living together for years to see if two people were compatible. We've had almost 7 years of trying to figure out if we could make this work. I guess I'm tired of farting around, so to speak. We love each other. We still dedicated to making it work. We're still trying, still going to counseling, still getting better, little by little. Sometimes we slip and lose intimacy. Sometimes we become frightened to show weakness and need. But the love is still there. I know we'll be great parents.
So I want to talk about it and dream about it. I want to know what he's scared of and what he's excited about. The plan may be not to get pregnant until after we have a house, but that doesn't mean the whole subject gets locked up until that time.
As for me, I like to think about being pregnant, having an infant and watching it grow. I'm surrounded by pregnant women right now, and that affects me. I think, why wait? I know finances will be tight. But I also know that I'm really good with money and I could make it work, especially if Steve were to hand that over to me. I'd budget everything out. And I'll do whatever it takes to make sure we can keep the boat.
When it comes to raising a child, I don't want it to be exposed to TV for as long as possible. I want it to read and play. And I want us to be involved in that. So I'd hope that Steve would be able to keep the TV off as much as possible.
Sometimes I think about how I'd want to teach a child about spirituality. I didn't grow up with church or religion. I pray now and believe in a higher power. How does one teach a child these things? I wonder if I should check out the UU church in town?
We walked down the baby aisle in the grocery store yesterday. 64 diapers cost $22. A baby goes thru 10-12 diapers a day. That comes out to about $3.50 a day in diapers, right? Call it $25/week. But I know I throw that kind of money around on all kinds of miscellany.
My guess is that Steve also wants a baby, but wants a house first. He's much more concerned about finances. And I think we don't talk about it because he doesn't want to have to tell me No, Not Yet.
Well, we'll see how the conversation goes. For now I'm grateful that the TV's been off a lot more. I'm grateful that we still love each other and still want to make it work. I'm grateful for a beautiful day and a warm house and a bright future. And all that is plenty for me.

Another rough night

2009-01-20T09:42:00.002-05:00

Last night I cried and cried because he won’t reach out to me. We talked just a couple weeks ago about how I needed time with him, just being together and enjoying each others company. I need that to feel close with him, to talk about things. But the next day he told me that if something’s on my mind I have to bring it up, stop the TV and force the conversation. I feel at the end of my rope. We have counseling tomorrow and I don’t even want to go. Sunday night, after a lazy day, he reminded me about my (birth-control)pills. I asked him, half-kidding, if we could just stop. He shrugged and asked if I’d buy the condoms. Hell yes! And I just felt a thrill and a sense of relief to be off the pills, to be taking an action towards having children someday. And then the very next night, in the middle of his 3 hour nap on the couch, he asks me if he wants me to pick up the pills since it’s not too late. I told him I didn’t even know what to say to that. He rolled over and went back to sleep. We didn’t really talk for the rest of the night.
I feel so angry with him and with myself. Why do I always have to be the one to reach out, make the connection, make the effort. Last night I wanted to throw a temper tantrum. I wanted to break something, throw his clothes out the windows, scream and pound my fists into the walls.
We ended up getting distracted from our silence by a little skirmish on the street. And he held me when he finally came to bed. But I’m still frustrated. I feel like he’s not making the effort to talk when something’s wrong. So then I feel like the big baby who always has the issues, or the typical woman who always needs to talk about my feelings. And it makes me so angry.
I was also thrown for a loop when he came home and said he hadn’t gone to his meeting because there wasn’t any place to park. So he went to the office instead. This is the first time in over 4 months that he hasn’t gone to a meeting. The only other time was the middle of a blizzard, and even then he tried to go, but the church was locked up tight. When he told me he didn’t go I felt my stomach drop. I found myself searching for signs that he drank.

It was shortly after when I went upstairs and cried and cried.

I haven’t been to my Sunday AlAnon in a couple weeks, and my excuse has been all this crazy snow. But I definitely need to get myself to a meeting before I lose my mind.

Good and Evil

2009-01-14T11:52:00.003-05:00

A couple of news items today have me feeling discouraged right now.

A father in Idaho driving his two kids to their mother’s for Christmas got stuck in a snow bank. So he sent the 11 and 12 year old out into -5 degree temps to walk the remaining 10 miles. The 11 year old died and the 12 year old was found in an abandoned rest area 4 miles away, delusional from hypothermia. The kicker is that the father got the vehicle out of the snow bank, but instead of going on ahead to pick up his kids, he turned around and drove home. The father makes $10/hour spreading manure.

A flock of seagulls swarmed a couple eating ice cream cones. So the man took a stick and beat one of the gulls and broke its wing. The bird had to be euthanized. This type of gull is known to be very aggressive and survives by stealing food from other predators. It was doing what came naturally.

I’m not sure why these two news articles disturb me so much. Maybe the senselessness and lack of empathy. Where is God in the rage and violence? Where is God in a careless parent and poverty stricken life?

I hope that God exists in the learning and change that happens because of the darkness. I hope that there is a greater purpose. I hope that every incident shapes and alters the world in some way, large or small, but always for a great good. I hope that for every act of evil there are ten acts of hope and love.

It’s just that sometimes there seems to be more death and hate and war than we could ever overcome.

A New Cat!

2009-01-12T20:13:00.007-05:00

We rescued another cat about a week or so ago. Our first cat, Kaya, has been with us for 3 years and is about 4 years old. We adopted her from a shelter where she had just given birth to a litter of kittens. I've posted a couple pictures of her before, but here's another.
Kaya is all black, and something about the color of her fur is very difficult for my digital camera to focus on. So I have about a hundred out of focus pictures of this beast. And she is a beast. When we brought her home she was so scrawny that I thought she was a short-haired cat! Not anymore! She's not fat though, she's just very, very fluffy.

Our latest addition is also a rescue. Manatee was living in the home of a hoarder with 51 other cats. He'd been at the shelter for almost a year when my man picked him out. The folks at the shelter guessed his age to be about 3, but I think he's much younger. With us he's super playful and loves to chase the laser lights and throw balls around. He's a little shy of people, but is starting to purr and bump our hands when we pet him. He adores Kaya, though she was a little uncertain at first. But already they're chasing eachother around and I think very soon will be great companions.
Manatee is all grey, long hair. You can see the black beastie behind him. Manatee is also very scrawny. You can feel every rib and vertebrae. He seems to be very long, but it might be an illusion because he's such a skinny guy. He reminds me of a mangy grey squirrel, with his tail all wrapped up.
I adore them both. And you'll just have to put up with the occasional, out-of-focus, cat picture.
XOXO,
Molls

Sex and Daddy issues

2009-01-05T19:20:00.002-05:00

My parents divorced when I was five years old. My Mom took me halfway across the country to live with her new boyfriend. I missed my Daddy so deeply. I was so mad at my Mom for what she'd done. Her new boyfriend was no father figure to me. Not that I would have wanted it if he was. I hated him more than I hated my mom. I was a little girl and I didn't understand. I didn't want to hate my mom. I didn't want to feel sad and lonely and lost. I saw my Daddy on school vacations and over the summers but it wasn't enough.

I missed him.
I missed him.
I missed him.

I can bring back that pure, innocent longing for my Daddy and his bear hugs even now.

In fifth grade I had a male teacher who I loved. We called him Mr. Dub (short for W). I wanted that man to be my Daddy. But he couldn't be. So sometimes I cried for no reason in his class, just to get his sympathy, his special attention, his love.

I hit puberty and developed awful acne. I hated the way I looked. I felt skinny and flat and greasy and sweaty and horny. I wanted someone to love me anyway and think I was beautiful even in the middle of puberty. And I missed my Daddy. I got all mixed up by hormones and sex. I thought that having sex with a boy meant he loved me and would never leave me. I thought that would make me feel special and beautiful and lovable and ... whole.

My senior year in high school there was a math teacher that everyone liked because he was young and funny and fun. One day, he told me he had a dream about me. He told me he dreamt that I showed up at his door wearing nothing but a white tee shirt. And suddenly I felt sexy and desirable and wanted, despite my pimples and my insecurities, and not by a boy, but by a MAN. My whole world changed at that moment. I was armed with a powerful knowledge that a man wanted ME. Suddenly I was the most special person in the whole, wide world. So I flirted and wore sexy clothes and found reasons to be in his classroom, and then in his car, and then in his house under the wedding picture of him and his wife...

And I thought to myself, this is easy. All I have to do is be confident and sexy and flirty and I can have those feelings. I'll feel attractive and worthwhile and SPECIAL.
And so after my freshman year in college I started stripping. I took off all my clothes and piled makeup over the pimples on my face and felt like a queen, a goddess, a nymph. I felt special and sexy and powerful and desirable.

I met a lousy boyfriend. And when I tried to leave him he took off with me in the car and wouldn't let me out.

Afterward, I ran right to my Daddy and he hugged me and I cried.

But I didn't unlearn my bad habits. I still thought that I was only special when someone wanted me. I was still that little girl wanting her Daddy to be there to love her no matter what. And I thought I had to use my body to get that.

***

When I met Steve I knew he was different. Sounds corny, doesn't it. But it's true. He has this easy smile, kind of shy and sweet and it puts people at ease. Oh I melted when he smiled. We spent the summer together before my senior year in college. I quit stripping. He sent me care packages when I went back to school and I flew out to be with him for every break. Shortly after I graduated we found an apartment together.

When we'd been living together for less than a year I took a pair of scissors and cut the cable to the TV. I thought it was the TV that was stifling our love, our sense of fun and freedom. I wanted to get married. I thought that was what people in love were supposed to do. I wanted to build a future with him. I wanted his love and attention, so I cooked and cleaned and tried and tried to get back that feeling from our first summer. I just wanted him to make me feel special again, in the way that wasn't about my body, but about my soul. Maybe I hadn't felt it since that first summer together. But I knew it was possible. I think that's why I stayed. If it happened once, it could happen again, right?

But it wasn't happening. And at work I was surrounded by men. Before long I was filling my need with attention from strangers and customers and coworkers. And hating myself because it wasn't the feeling I wanted. I wanted my Man. I wanted what I knew only he could offer me. But instead he was drunk every night. So during the day I flirted and smiled and wore tight jeans. And at night we fought and he drank. And I felt dirty and ugly and angry.

Not special, no, not special at all.

***

Steve's been sober for a little while now. We're both in recovery. I'm learning to find fulfillment within myself. I still have a love-hate relationship with the word SPECIAL. And I still feel moments of weakness, like this weekend when I felt inadequate as his partner. I think he still has trouble dealing with the behavior of my past. But I’m grateful to say that I truly believe that behavior is behind me now. I’m trying to forgive myself for what happened. I pray that he can forgive me too and we can move forward with a better, brighter future.

And for all the fathers out there, love your little girls and be the man in their life, every day.

Some Thoughts at the End of the Year

2008-12-30T09:26:00.005-05:00

I spent the week before Christmas away visiting family. I ate lots of great food, enjoyed the company of my family and managed to keep my serenity for the majority of the visit. Towards the end of my trip, I felt increasingly homesick. Dire weather forecasts made me fear I'd never get back home to my man. My cell phone wasn't charging and I felt out of touch and almost desperate for him. When the plane actually touched down, I felt such relief. We drove home in a blizzard, but at least I was home.
My man and I spent our first Christmas together this year. For the past six years we've always been with our own families for this day. But this year we had a big tree and presents beneath it and I made Christmas breakfast.
He's been sober for more than 100 days and sometimes I don't think I deserve this happiness. I'm in the relationship I've always dreamed of with him. Yesterday we went to the bank and got pre-approved for a mortgage for our first home.
I still get annoyed with him sometimes. It's not like we're perfect now. He teases me too much, and trying talk can still be like pulling teeth. The TV is on a lot. And he gets mad when I bring up acupuncture for his bad back.
But it's good to remind myself of what I have to be grateful for. I no longer feel that anxious knot in my stomach every time he walks through the door. There are no bottles of vodka hidden in the garden, or empty nips in the laundry. He's not angry at the world, at his job, at me. He's relaxed, easy-going and silly the way he was when we first met.
As for me, I'm learning how to listen and how to pray. I feel a belief in a Higher Power that I never had before and that feels good! I can dream about my life and my future without fear, only excitement. I've made good friends here!
Every once in a while, I sense a little tingling in the back of my neck over when this bubble might burst. But even that is manageable with what I've learned in AlAnon. I can't worry about the "what if's" and "might be's". All I can do is the next right thing and be grateful for every moment that I have.

And so, with nothing but gratitude and hope in my heart, I pray that we all have happy, healthy and serene days for all of 2009 and beyond.
Love,
Molls

A growing awareness

2008-12-20T12:35:00.004-05:00

I'm in Indiana this week, visiting my family and of the many thoughts this invokes, the one I'd like to explore right now if that of Health and Health Consciousness.
My divorced father lives alone just a block away from his widowed sister. They are very close, best friends. My father is 63, retired and in very poor health. What strikes me about his health is that I believe most of his problems are somewhat self-inflicted and probably could have been prevented had he taken better care of himself when he was younger. Now, he's too damn stubborn to do anything. His day consists of reading in the morning, playing guitar in the afternoon and watching tv at night. He goes for days at a time without leaving the house. He eats at his sister's most nights. She's a great cook, but a vegetable is an afterthought with dinner and usually consists of canned greenbeans or creamed corn or canned asparagus loaded with mayonnaise. In fact, mayonnaise is a major ingredient in most of her cooking, along with butter and cheese. Don't get me wrong, I devour everything she makes. I'm talking about some real, serious, old-fashioned comfort food. But it's no wonder she's seriously obese. It's no wonder her knees hurt. It's no wonder that my Dad has a huge gut, gets heartburn almost every night, and suffers from irritable bowl syndrome so badly he can't travel to see his daughters or grandson.
Good grief, look at how they live!

(God, grant me the serenity...)

Now my mother just ran a 10k for her 60th birthday. She is extremely active--swimming, walking, canoing, etc... Frankly, I think she's in better shape than I am. She eats extremely well; lots of salads, fruit every morning, whole grain breads, minimal butter. She's happy and healthy and will probably live decades more to watch her grandchildren grow up. I recently encouraged her to try accupuncture.

From AlAnon, I know that I cannot change my father. I cannot make him healthy. I cannot make him change his lifestyle, improve his mood or make him a happy person. I'm starting to accept that. And I can learn from him and his sister. It's very important to take care of myself. I want to make the effort to eat right and exercise, because I don't want to be old when I'm 60. I want to by spry and able to enjoy that chapter of life.

There is also the geographical element to Health and Health Consciousness. My father and aunt do not have much money and in Indiana in December fresh fruits and vegetables are expensive. I think that in Massachusetts there may be more access to this type of food. I certainly haven't seen a Whole Foods in Indiana. The consciousness perhaps hasn't made it to Indiana yet. Isn't that typical of the coasts and larger urban areas to be more progressive? I hope I'm not insulting anyone, and I know it's not always true. My mom lives in Vermont which is extremely rural, yet also quite progressive in many ways. And I'm sure there are people in Indiana who don't purchase farm raised shrimp from Thailand, even though they're a bargain at Wal-Mart. But sometimes that's what's affordable when one plans a celebration with the family.

Enough for now. This rambling train of thought needs to ramble over to my aunt's for some cheese bombs and heart-attack dip. YUM!

Faith!

2008-12-10T18:53:00.003-05:00

My beloved has 84 days of sobriety. My gratitude is overwhelming. He is the man I have always loved and knew to be, except now he is not hidden by the disease. Slowly, without realizing it, I have gotten comfortable and content with our new life, new pattern, new habits. Our future feels secure and bright like never before and I could not be more pleased. A thousand thank you's a day couldn't express my gratitude to my higher power. And I cannot help but be optimistic about our future. We're finally talking about the possibilities ahead, like buying a home, having a baby, and getting remarried (not necessarily in that order!). I am overjoyed and amazed.
I know we will face hard times ahead; it is inevitable. But I've found prayer and a higher power and I've seen what we can work through.
Miracle of miracles, I have faith.

A Revelation

2008-12-01T16:12:00.004-05:00

I am not expected to control anyone.
In my meeting last night I heard many people say this very thing and I nodded and smiled, but didn't truly experience the revelation until I started my drive home from work after a crappy day. It all began with a dream I had last night. I'm taking a prescription pill to help me stop smoking and the side affect that I'm experiencing is vivid dreams. Last night I dreamt in vivid and excruciating detail that I had to fire one of my gardeners after they did something very stupid on our biggest property.
I've written about this property before. If I was a good blogger, I'd know how to put in one of those fancy links to send you to the exact post. But I don't. Look for "Was this a Test?" from 10/21 for pictures and tales from The Manor where no expense is spared.
Today's schedule put me at The Manor and I drove there the whole way with this dream in my head. I was working with a couple of knuckleheads, who are all right on their own, but together make me feel like I'm babysitting more than anything else. Knucklehead 1 is almost certainly high all the time and Knucklehead 2 is usually hungover. Nice enough guys, just not particularly thoughtful, dedicated or careful.
Our task for the morning was a very thorough weeding of the entire 60 acres. Weeding at this time of year removes a lot of perennial weeds that would spread and cause serious headaches next season. Today was warm and it was probably our last chance to get any remaining weeds. We started all together, but Knuckleheads quickly got ahead of me. I found myself following behind them, on my hands and knees, carefully picking out all the weeds they missed. Every time I looked up, Knuckhead 1 was strolling along, every few feet finding a weed. I felt myself getting more and more frustrated. Finally I brought 1 over to an area he strolled by and told him this wasn't my idea of thorough. He kind of chuckled and shrugged and made some pretense of being more thorough and then moved on.
A few hours later, the afternoon crew arrivied with truckloads of greenery for decorating The Manor. Things got a little chaotic and no one was sure what to do. I became extremely frustrated with the situation. Everyone was doing their own thing, with no consistancy or direction. Eventually, I remembered that there was supposed to be a crew to continue weeding, and a crew to decorate. Unfortunately, that meant I had to take Knuckleheads 1 and 2 back to another part of The Manor to weed. By this point I couldn't even look at these two without wanting to shake them as I hard as I could. I weeded with them for less than an hour before I got the call from my boss saying that if necessary, I should leave to prep for tomorrow's meeting. I wasted no time and was gone by 2pm. Knuckleheads probably got high the minute I was out of sight. The decorating crew probably used too many garlands and we'll have to reorder. The owner of The Manor was onsite driving around in his billion dollar Audi watching the disaster unfold, but I just couldn't take anymore. I can't do the work for them all. I can't control every garland they string, weed they pull or eye they roll at me. I can't control what the owner sees or thinks. I can't control what they say about me. I can't control whether they enjoy their job or not.
And not only that, my boss certainly does not expect me to be able to do all that. So the only person who was putting all this pressure and stress and frustration on me, was ME! What a revelation! And I don't think I would have recieved it without AlAnon. Wow!

An uninteresting update

2008-11-28T11:13:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we had Thanksgiving dinner at his parents home, just the four of us. After six years, I'm finally learning how to be around his parents without feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I feel secure enough to just be myself and not worry about what they may think of me and my relationship with their son. I relaxed, and laughed, and had a really good time.
In the early years when we were together, I wanted desperately to make a good impression. I wanted them to see me as more than a girlfriend, but as a daughter-in-law. Not because I wanted their love, but because I wanted his. But shortly after we got married, the alcohol problem came out from under the rug. Our constant fighting made family occasions together awkward because I didn't know what or how much his parent knew. I was protective and withdrawn. When we separated, his father came to our apartment to talk to me. My man didn't know about that conversation for many months, maybe years. And I didn't see his parents for a long time after that. Just this year, we've gotten together with them a handful of times. Given our history, the circumstances feel a bit awkward to me. But I don't feel stressed out anymore. I guess I know I tried to do the right thing for myself and for him. I think also the words of the serenity prayer apply perfectly. I'm finding the wisdom, in this situation at least.
I don't think we'll ever be at point where I feel comfortable talking about the trials and tribulations of loving their alcoholic son, but one never knows.
In the meantime, I'm exceedingly grateful for his continued sobriety. I feel close and connected with him. I feel happier and more secure than I can remember and I don't think I could ask for anything more.

Except to talk about our future babies.
But I don't think I'll push my luck. :-)

Happy holidays to all.
Molls

Blogging

2008-11-18T18:02:00.002-05:00

I went through a brief phase recently which may or may not be over, in which I lost the desire to write for this blog and even to read the blogs I've enjoyed following. I can attribute this to a therapy session that questioned my reasons for blogging. The point was made that it is easier to "talk" to the blogosphere than it is to have an actual conversation with my man.

In the first 30 to 40 days of my man's sobriety, I posted very often but communicated very little with him about how I was feeling. In this time period, he thought the relationship was going pretty well and that life was looking pretty rosy in general. So it was a bit of a surprise when I started to actually verbalize my tumultuous emotions in therapy and then also at home (approximately days 40 to 55 of sobriety). There have been lots of tears and late night conversations. But because of this, I'm feeling more comfortable communicating. We're making concerted efforts, almost every day, to check in and catch up. I feel like the relationship is finally starting to turn a corner. I'm blogging less, and talking to him more.
My poor man is a little bewildered, I think, by all this emotion. But it doesn't seem to be scaring him away and he has been open and receptive.

All of this is a bit of an apology and explanation to you, my invisible friends, for a lapse in my involvement in this electronic universe. This blog, and therefore all of you, are many things to me; a diary, a best friend, a rebound lover, a conscience, and mostly, a line to God.

I thank you, for all your voices. I thank God, for a place to write because nothing clarifies my thoughts like written words.

XOXO,
Molls

A New Day

2008-11-16T18:54:00.002-05:00

Yes, a new day did bring new energy, as well as much talking, sharing and listening. Tonight I go to my Sunday AlAnon which usually bolsters me for a few more days. We're working it out. He is trying and we do want to make this strange new/old relationship of ours work.
Lately, I've stopped praying because I almost feel scared of it. I find that praying requires such openness and trueness of self. This is difficult! I'm so used to projecting onto others what I want them to think of me, that I almost believe it myself. Praying requires more honesty than that, and it ain't easy!
But I think I will keep trying. It felt awfully good at the same time.

That's all for now.
Molls

60 days of sobriety

2008-11-15T12:30:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow my man will reach his sixtieth day of sobriety. So why did I cry myself to sleep again last night? Who is this man I've been living with for six years? I feel as though I don't know him at all. I should feel good about this change in him, isnt' this what I wanted? Not only is he not drinking, but he's no longer moody and depressed. In fact he's silly and teasing all the time, when all I want is a normal conversation.
We've been working on this relationship for years and still not getting anywhere.
He's getting sober. I'm getting older. But together we still can't communicate. I'm tired of working on it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll have the energy again.

Nothing new

2008-11-04T18:32:00.004-05:00

I've started a new post a couple times since Halloween, with nothing much to say.

We continue. Two steps forward, one step back. I pray when I remember and when I'm feeling hopeful or in despair. S continues with the meetings, and for that I am truly grateful.

I mostly feel good, sometimes exceedingly happy, other times merely existing, with little thought to my state of mind.

But today I am grateful for the chance to vote. I am grateful for AA and it's impact on S. I'm grateful for my friends and family. I'm grateful for this beautiful day and being able to work in short sleeves once more. So thank you God for this amazing world and my teeny tiny little sliver of comprehension of the vastness that is Your being.

Molls

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T11:10:00.003-04:00

I am SO EXCITED to hand out candy tonight to trick-o-treaters! I've never done it before, and only went a few times as a kid. Growing up in Vermont there aren't a lot of neighborhoods. My closest neighbor was miles away. I remember one year dressing up and walking up and down the road leading up to the local ski resort and trick-o-treating at each and every bar along the way. Made a killing, as I recall.
Last night I bought all kinds of decorations and costumes and extra candy. We carved our pumpkin and hung ghosts in the windows. I can't wait for the end of today so I can get home!
Tomorrow night our neighbor is having a Halloween party so I'll get a double dose of spooky fun.

It's great to have stuff to look forward to. I was starting to get pretty down this last week. The med's S is taking make him exhausted by the end of the day. By the time I get home from work, he's snoring on the couch and can't rouse himself until it's time for his meeting. It's been tough not having that time to talk or do anything together. I was feeling very disconnected from him after a few weeks of this. Thankfully, we saw our counselor on Wednesday and even though it was a tough session, we walked out of there with a better understanding. Carving the pumpkin together last night was so much fun, and so much better than watching him nap. The pill doctor had some suggestions as well that will hopefully alleviate his exhaustion.

For myself, I know that I have a hard time talking with S about anything that's not happy because I feel as though he's working so hard on his sobriety. I don't think that he has room on his plate for anything negative from me. But I have to remind myself that I can't read his mind and that he is not necessarily the same person he was when he was drinking, or before he starting attending AA. I also think that I use the blog as an outlet rather than talk to him because the blog doesn't usually cause any emotional conflict. It's much easier to blog about how he's sleeping all the time and nothing's getting done then it is to say to S that I'm feeling emotionally unfulfilled. Plus, I have a hard time accepting that I feel that way. He's doing so much already, how can I possibly still need more? S and I just have to keep practicing and keep working on the communication piece. I still have faith that we'll get there. And I need to find more ways to fulfill my own needs instead of wallowing in disappointment when he can't be there for me. For me, this means staying well away from the TV first of all. And instead doing more reading and writing, praying, horseback riding, and maybe even cooking now that the busy gardening season is winding down.

And tonight, it means dressing up and handing out candy ( my stepdad suggesting having a bowl of assorted, brightly colored condoms to hand out to the high schoolers).

Happy Halloween!
Molls

A Gratitute List

2008-10-28T09:37:00.004-04:00

I'm enjoying a little solo time in the office on this somewhat rainy day. It's quiet and I'm definitely blogging and not working. I thought I'd take a minute and put together a gratitude list, because there is a lot to be grateful for.

1. I'm taking horseback riding lessons on Monday nights. I've never gotten over my childhood love of horses. I took lessons as a kid and now trail ride whenever I go home to VT. I just love being on a horse, so I decided last night to bite the bullet and sign up for their winter session. It's just money and to me it's worth every penny. I'm so grateful for the opportunity.

2. I'm grateful for this fantastic job. I'm outside a lot, using my muscles, enjoying the fresh air. And this winter I'll get to use the other side of my brain (the one with a college degree) while planning and growing this great little company. I work with terrific people. I don't spend a dime on gas or wear and tear on a personal vehicle thanks to a company truck. And I'm learning more about this industry every day. I'm a gardener! It's the best job in the WORLD!

3. S remains sober and continues to attend AA every night. This is so new and so huge for him and for us. I'm so proud of him, and so grateful that we stuck it out to get to this point. I am grateful for every day of his sobriety and for everything he gets from AA.

4. I'm grateful for AlAnon. I love my Sunday night meeting and look forward to finding others to enjoy and learn from. It helps me to remember what I'm doing, where we've been and who we are.

5. I'm grateful for this blog and the opportunity to pull my thoughts together and receive feedback from people familiar with our situation.

6. I'm so grateful for this renewed foray into spirituality. I pray often, and feel more at peace now. I'm learning about myself and my place in this world and it feels like coming home. Thank you!

7. Most of all, I'm grateful that I didn't overextend myself and buy a house that I can't afford. My apartment seems better and better every day!

That's all for now. Hope everyone is well out there.
Molls

Pile up's

2008-10-22T20:25:00.003-04:00

S comes home, naps on the couch. The laundry piles up, the dishes pile up. I come home and join him on the couch. The garden's a mess, the house is a mess. S goes to a meeting, I catch up on blogs. The laundry's still there. More dishes to deal with.
S comes home. He eats. We talk and watch some TV.
More dishes. Shoes all over the floor.
I fall asleep. S joins me.
We forget to put out the trash.
Repeat.

But, the house is warm and the couch is cozy. I love my man and he loves me. Thank you God for the people in my life. Watch over those in need. Help us as best you can. Help us to help ourselves and this too shall pass.

Amen.
Molls

Was this a test?

2008-10-21T18:04:00.007-04:00

A large part of my job is to manage small crews of gardeners on the properties that we maintain. It's a small company; four managers and about 14 gardeners. As you might expect, the job is a very physically demanding one, and also doesn't pay that well. For that reason, most of our gardeners are under 35 years old and in good physical condition, with a few exceptions. One of these exceptions started working for us a few weeks ago and is the reason for today's post.
Through reading, blogging, talking, counseling and meetings, I understand that I too am in recovery. As part of that recovery, I'm recognizing that I can be a very impatient person. This frequently emerges at work because I'm a very hard-working person. I don't stand around. I take initiative. I ask questions. And I expect this from the people I work with.
I think because of these expectations, today was a huge challenge for me. We were working at our biggest and best client's 60 acre estate that includes an orchard barn, two trout ponds, a skating pond and a warming "hut" for the skating pond. Believe me when I say that this is no hut. And the trout ponds? All manmade and stocked and scrupuliosly maintained. The actual residence isn't even built yet. But there are at least 20 people working every day from numerous companies just to maintain the existing grounds. So I feel that it's extremely important to work our asses off at this property. They pay us several thousand dollars a week to do so.
Today was a continuation of their 19,800 bulb installation. We're hoping to have most of it finished tomorrow. My crew consisted of myself, another reliable and hardworking gardener, and Joe (not his real name, poor guy). Joe is in his late fifties and rather overweight. The job requires a majority of our time to be kneeling or crawling through gardens. Joe tends to show a massive amount of ass crack while doing this. (Go ahead, I can hear y'all laughing from here) Joe doesn't have very much, if any experience in this field and frankly, it's a mystery to me why my general manager hired him. He doesn't ask questions, he can't move quickly, and he tends to stand around unless someone tells him what to do along every step of the way.
By 9 a.m. my blood was starting to boil from working with him.
Now here's the kinda cool part. I recognized it. Then I did my best to try to have patience, to not snap, to not wring my hands in frustration.
We worked hard until lunch at which point I left the jobsite to get away for a few minutes. Somehow, by the afternoon, the three of us had found a rhythm and actually cranked out a lot of bulbs before the end of the day. It wasn't until I was driving home that I realized how much my attitude had shifted. I don't quite understand how it happened, but I'm certainly glad it did.

Anyway, that's my somewhat related-to-the-topic post for today. Enjoy the pictures, but don't tell my boss. ;-)

XOXO
Molls

2008-10-18T18:23:00.003-04:00

I haven't been blogging much this week. The onset of fall means the gardening company I work for only has about 6 more weeks (if we're lucky) to make the rest of our money for the year. As a manager I'm feeling under-the-gun to motivate my tired gardeners and generate work from strapped clients. We're doing lots of bulb installs right now. This week my crew planted over 10,000 bulbs on various properties. I'm so excited to see what they look like next spring, as long as the critters don't eat them all first!
Anyway, that's my explanation. I hope to catch up on blogs this weekend. :-)

Meanwhile, today marks 31 days of sobriety for S. We've never been in this place before and it's certainly a strange, new world. Based on what I've read on blogs and heard in meetings and talked about with our counselor, I know that this is a period of monumental adjustment. And indeed it does feel that way. Whenever I start to feel confused or distressed or frustrated, I try to think about God. I've started reading Your Sacred Self by Wayne Dyer and am really enjoying it. Unfortunately, I keep falling asleep in bed while trying to read it with one eye open. But it's a start. S and I have started talking about spirituality too. Today, while driving to Salem, we talked about the second step and what it means and how we understand the Higher Power. I'm just grateful to be able to have the conversation with him, regardless of where it goes. Intellectually, I know that this is a long journey for us. I also know that I can't really understand what this journey will be like until I've lived it. I'm looking forward to growing closer to God to help support me throughout.

Is this what it feels like to have faith?

Anyway. I hope everyone is well out there in Bloggerland.

Leaf Peeping Heaven

2008-10-13T20:48:00.012-04:00

What a gorgeous weekend in Vermont! This has been an amazing year for color and our weekend was worth sitting in traffic for. I went for a terrific horseback ride on Sunday too, so my weekend was about as close to perfect as one can get. So as promised, here are some photos:

The view from my Mom's house (how lucky is she!?!)

Just down the street....

The driveway.....

Around the neighborhood....

p.s. I went to an Alanon meeting (Steve-a-roni) Sunday night too. My first one in years! It was terrific and I'm inspired to attend many more. Thanks Kathy Lynne for the suggestion. S went downstairs (AA) and I went up. A great experience for us to share. Thanks for all the encouragement, folks.

Saturday Prayer

2008-10-11T09:04:00.003-04:00

Hello God,
I still don't know about you, but I'm trying to put that aside and just let it be. I have some things I want to say and ask.
First, I want to pray for the health and safety of my crazy big sister, because as much as she drives me up the wall when I'm around her, she's still my big sister, and I just found out that she's two months pregnant with her second child. I'm so completely overjoyed and ecstatic for her. I think S was surprised at how happy I am, because my sister and I don't click at all. But she's still my big sis and I still can't wait to meet my new niece (I'm convinced). So please, please watch over and protect her and her family.
And while I'm at it, please watch over and protect the rest of my family and all of my friends near and far.
God, I need to ask for more patience. I never thought of myself as an impatient person, but that doesn't mean it wasn't there. I am impatient and S needs time and we need time, so I'm asking for a lot more patience. I need a big bucketful of warm, sweet honey patience to dip into freely whenever I'm feeling frustrated or annoyed with the people and situations around me.
S and I are driving up to Vermont today to enjoy your spectacular display of foliage and spend a little time with my parents. Please watch over us in our travels.
Okay God, thank you for listening, and being and.......well, you, I guess. :-)

Happy weekends, all. Can't wait to share foliage pictures with you (this pic is from last year).

Feeling the Love

2008-10-07T17:54:00.005-04:00

I'm not quite sure why I had that little break-down the other night. I didn't even know why I was so sad and gloomy. At first I thought it was just the cheesy chick-flick I had just watched, or the heroine in my new novel falling in love that was making me sad. Of course I want my man to be the hero from movies, but it's just not realistic, and I know that.
When S came to bed last night and asked me if something was wrong, at first I said no. But I changed my mind right away and said yes, but I don't know what. And I didn't. But he gave me the room to try to talk it out and what followed was pretty interesting, for me anyway.
I told him I didn't know who, or how, to be with him now that it's been 21 days without a drink. He seems to be feeling so much better, and yet I feel somehow lost and alone in this new endeavor. I told him that I'm feeling extremely needy right now. I need his touch, his reassurance, and his conversation. And I need him to care enough to ask about me, to wonder how this change is affecting me, to fall in love with me like the hero from a movie.
I hate, hate, HATE feeling needy. And I hate asking him for more, when he has so much he's trying to do for himself.
But I think that's how it goes, right? Sometimes I need more from him and sometimes he needs more from me. I love him so much it's ridiculous. And I believe we can make this crazy life work for both of us. But I KNOW that will take a lot of work on our parts, and probably a lot of counseling too! That's okay. I'm okay with working at it. I know it's worth it.

Okay, enough for today.

A practice run on this whole PRAYER business

2008-10-04T09:24:00.004-04:00

Okay, so I'm not very good at this whole praying thing but with all the support and encouragement I've gotten from the blogosphere, I want to give it a try. Written prayer's count, don't they? My thoughts are so much clearer when I write.

Saturday morning prayer

Dear God, I don't know who or what or where you are, but I pray to find and take the leap of faith that will lead me to believe. I thank you for so many things in my life--a stunning fall day, a delicious bowl of oatmeal, my foray (or your guidance?) into the blogging world and the many many supportive people out there.
I pray for PG and the work she is doing, because I promised her she'd be my first prayer of the day. :-)
God, I pray that I will grow in my understanding and acceptance of myself, my situation, and the world around me. I pray very hard for S and the work he is doing. Please, please help him and support him. He is trying and we have both been hurt very much during this process. We could use a stretch of time full of successes, not failures.
I pray for all my family and friends, including, of course, my "digital" friends, for their safety, well-being and happiness.
I ask this without any knowledge or understanding of what I'm doing, but with fear and hope that you will.
Thanks God.
And thanks, bloggers, for giving me a space to try this out.

Have great weekends!

Are you there God? It's me, Molls

2008-10-02T07:06:00.005-04:00

14 days.
I don't think I'm supposed to be counting, but I'm just so damn amazed.
Last night I had dinner ready for him when he got home from his 14th meeting (in as many days!). We sat at the table and talked. I tried to eat slowly so that he'd spend more time sitting there with me, sharing and communicating. It felt soooo good.

One of the things we talked about was the spirituality aspect of AA and Alanon. Neither of us are religious, have any particular faith, or even give "God" much thought. But it does seem as though a Power greater than ourselves could restore us. I just have to figure out what this means to me. I know what it doesn't mean. This power is not some man in the sky. This power has no part in vengeance, revenge, hatred, or war (small and large). This power doesn't care if we say certain words, eat certain foods, or pray a certain way.
Somehow, to me, this power is the connection between every person, every plant, every animal on this planet. In a way, this planet with it's rare and unique and incredibly fragile ecosystem, is a Greater Power. It's my opinion that science and physics are much closer to understanding "God" than theologians.
But what do I know.
My brain is starting to hurt. Maybe it'd be easier if God was a big bearded man in the sky.

Okay, I have lots to be grateful for, so here's a little Thursday list:
I am grateful for

1. 14 meetings, 14 days
2. Dinner with my man
3. Rain delay this morning--time to do a load of laundry, eat breakfast and blog (I feel so spoiled!)
4. Warm oatmeal with almonds and dried cranberries
5. Being too poor to have any money invested anywhere!
6. My sweet, furry, uber-cute cat who's bumping her head on my arm while I type
7. Honey Crisp apples from the farm up the street
8. My family and friends (including, of course, my new blogger friends)
9. The Library
10. Having lots to be grateful for!

Happy Thursday!
Molls

12 meetings, 12 days

2008-09-29T18:21:00.003-04:00

Today S will come home having gone to his 12th meeting in as many days. I'm so proud of him I feel like I could burst. We will get through this and figure out how to make it work. I know we will. I'm reading a lot about patience and time out in the blogosphere and it's appropriate. I suppose it's a lesson we have to continually be reminded of.
At least, today I have confidence. ;-)

But I do have to share this crazy tidbit. Yesterday I went to an exercise class with my neighbor. Another friend of ours is training to be an instructor and so this was a practice class for her. So we start by marching in place, some funky situps and pushups. I'm pretty strong from working outside, but I was feeling a little burn. Well, about 10 minutes into the class, we move from sitting to standing and I get totally lightheaded. I go to sit down and have some water and completely pass out. I come to about 45 seconds later to my friend trying to wake me (convieniently, she's a nurse) and another woman on the phone calling 911. I think the first thing I said was, don't call 911! But of course they did and the paramedics said my blood pressure was pretty much dead so they took me to the ER where I sat for a few hours growing more and more annoyed with myself. Who the hell FAINTS in a freaking exercise class! The only good part was that S came and hung out with me for the hours and cheered me up as much as possible.

I'm blaming it on lack of water, but who knows. The tests all came back and said I was fine. Now that's some crazy shit, eh?

Anyway. Catching up on blogs.
Thanks for welcoming me into the blogosphere, peeps. Y'all rock!

p.s. The photo is Kousa Dogwood (Cornus kousa) in fruit.

A Fun New Gadget

2008-09-28T12:33:00.003-04:00

I added a gadget at the bottom of the page called Blogger Play. It's pretty cool. It's a slideshow of random images recently posted on blogs and if you see one you like you can click on it and be taken to that blog. It's a great way to spend even more time in Bloggerland.

As an update on my last, and rather depressing post, I woke up feeling much better (isn't that always the case). S was cheery too. And while we didn't really talk (whoa! no way!), at least the vibe between us felt good. S was whistling and singing and generally being silly in a way that I haven't seen in a while. So today I have much more patience than I did last night.
Thanks for all the support peeps. It means so much.

XOXO
Molls

All I've got

2008-09-27T18:25:00.004-04:00

You know, I just can't win in this. I can't seem to get it right and I don't know what to do.

I spent the afternoon with my neighbor who is becoming a good friend to me. We're women and we like to talk and share and sometimes complain about our men. So I've shared some things with her about S and me. But after she left today, S asked me if I showed her this blog. I had and I told him so. I tried to ask him if he was okay with that, what he felt, but he just shut me out entirely saying, "I don't know how I feel so you don't have to sit there and stare at me." Well, what am I supposed to do?

It's just all too much. I can't talk to him about anything, he's not crazy about my blogging, not crazy about me talking to my one and only goddamn friend, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I know the therapist said to wait and be patient but it's fucking hard, you know? I can't believe that he's feeling better when I feel worse.
Why isn't he reaching out to me? Why doesn't he seem to care about how I'm doing, or how we're doing? Does he really think everything is okay?? I just don't believe that. And I don't understand what's happening to us.

So what do I have to be grateful for right now? My health, a roof over my head, my cat, Notre Dame beating Purdue (I hope, it's still the 4th quarter but they're up by 17), a great job...

wow, well that's about all I've got at this moment. It'll have to do.

No more elephants!!

2008-09-24T19:34:00.002-04:00

S is feeling a lot better these days. It could be the pills. He's still going to AA every night which relieves my worries quite a bit. We went back to our couples counselor tonight. She helped me (us, hopefully) to break down what has happened recently and how it fits into our past and our future.
The past six weeks, S has been drinking much more heavily and our communication fell to pretty much nothing. As he says he was either drunk or hungover pretty much every day from the end of July until the past week. As the therapist says, he was essentially not in the relationship. Checked out. Gone. So now that he's sober and feeling better, I want desperately to connect with him, to make sure we're still on the same path, to check back into the relationship. So I keep bringing the drinking up. Whenever we talk, that's what I want to talk about. But S is feeling better, he's not feeling the urges to drink, in fact, he's not thinking about alcohol very much at all. And he definitely doesn't want to bring that subject back into the foreground. We needed her to point this out to us. She suggested to me to hang back another week or two and see how S continues to feel with these meds. So I'm going to try to relax a little about this overwhelming need to communicate to S exactly how I'm feeling. Instead, I'm going to try to plan some fun dates and places to go and things to do to build up our foundation again and remind us why we're together. Hopefully this will inspire him to do the same.
I'm also going to encourage him to read this blog to see what kind of dialogue it opens up. I'd like to see a post on here from S. Wouldn't you?
S and I have a long road ahead of us. But we're together because we believe the journey is worth the struggles. I'm 27 years old with a lot of life ahead of me and I want my future to include S. Sober. I want to buy a house with him and maybe raise a family with him. I want him to be my rock in life, the person I can count on to be my partner, my support, my shoulder to cry on. He's the other half of my spoon.
The therapist tonight said "Sometimes you gotta fight for it". Sometimes we have to just say what's on our minds, not hold it in, not wait for a better time, just say it. And if that means a fight, well so be it. A fight at least is not pushing issues aside. No more pretending things are okay when they're not. No more elephants! Please!

That's all for now.
Molls

A good weekend

2008-09-21T20:13:00.003-04:00

Hey, you know what? Life goes on. And my man is at his forth (count 'em!) AA meeting in as many days.

Happy dance, happy happy happy dance!

Here's the conclusion I came to this weekend. I think that I can handle the episodes of drinking, if we're communicating in between and he's making an effort to get help(specifically by going to AA).
And while he may not like that the subject of conversation is his drinking, I think he's going to have to get over that. He's also going to have to realize that as long as we're together, we're dealing with this disease together.
I wish I prayed (I know I've said that before), because if I did I would pray that he continues to go to a meeting every night. I would pray that someone would reach out to him at a meeting and pull him into a community that will support and understand him. I would pray that the meds help to lift his spirits and make him feel worthwhile. Mostly, I would pray for us to find comfort and security with each other. Boy, with that kind of list, I think I better learn how to pray and who to pray to.

And now, a short, first time attempt at a gratitude list:
I am grateful for

1. The juiciest, freshest, most amazing peaches from the farm up the road (nectar of the gods, truly)
2. A fun day exploring and shopping in this amazing town I live in
3. Having my own little postage stamp to garden in
4. My beautiful home and funny cat
5. The 190th anniversary of the Topsfield Fair (can't wait!)

And so, as the little boy across the street likes to shout out the window; "GOOD NIGHT WORLD!"

Surviving, though not quite thriving

2008-09-19T17:10:00.006-04:00

It's finally Friday after a hellacious week so I just wanted to post quickly on a couple things. First to thank everyone for the support and encouragement. When I started blogging, I never expected to "meet" so many interesting people and hear such interesting stories. And I certainly never expected that perfect strangers would be offering comfort, sympathy and empathy. But in a way, it's almost easier than hearing all this from my friends and family. You out there aren't biased in anyway, you're just responding to my words and my words are what's in my heart and on my mind. It's pretty damn liberating and supportive.
So thanks peeps!

Second thing I wanted to say is that I went to acupuncture again Thursday and my mood turned dramatically for the better afterwards. I felt relaxed, less anxious, less worries. It's amazing and I truly think everyone could benefit from this practice. It gets your life force moving! Literally! How cool is that?!?

Lastly, I wish I could say that S and I have really turned a corner and I sense a change in the air. But sadly, I don't think that's the case. I need to some serious thinking and writing this weekend, so I hope you're all ready for the ride.

Much love and enjoy these pictures. The house is across the street from one of the properties we work on and the snake was on another jobsite.

Turns out, I really AM crazy

2008-09-17T18:54:00.005-04:00

I really feel that we need to clear the air. So I made an appointment to go back to the couples counselor next week.
S hasn't had a drink since Friday (I think, could be a day longer than that, I try not to keep track--is that bad?).
We're still not communicating with each other at all, really.

Good morning.
Have a good day.
I love you.
How was your day?
What do you want for dinner?
Look at this cute cat!
Well, I'm going to get in bed and read.
G'night.

He's taking an antidepressant now. This was the recommendation of the pill doctor a week or so ago. It's too soon to tell if that's having any effect.
S tells me that the pill doctor may think that he's not an alcoholic.

I'm sorry, my thought process seems to have stalled after that last statement.

S not an alcoholic? Perhaps just self-medicating his depression with alcohol? Forgive me if I seem confused. Hoes does that explain the half-empty bottle of vodka hidden among the plants in the garden this weekend?
Maybe he's not an alcoholic. Maybe he just can't get out of the habit of self-medicating. Is that not the same thing?
So should I go back to calling it "the drinking problem" instead of alcoholism? Should I give a fuck anymore when I honestly can't tell if he does? And didn't I go through enough hellish months and years of wondering if I was the one with the problem because I couldn't stand to be around my man when he was drinking? Couldn't stand the way he stumbled and slurred and passed out and then repeated it the next night. Thanks Pill Doctor, for throwing that doubt back in my lap again.

I want to be patient and loving and supportive, I really do. It sounds insincere, but I swear to you it's not. I want more than anything to be the support he needs. But maybe he doesn't need my support. And maybe my support doesn't matter to his "drinking problem" one way or the other.

I also want to scream and rage and throw a wicked fit. When do I get my turn for tenderness and loving concern? When does the tv go off and we start taking walks, talking, and enjoying each others company?

You know the really sick thing? I almost want S to come home drunk so he'll go right to bed and I don't have to sit here in front of the tv not talking. If he comes home drunk then I can continue to wallow in my own self-righteous misery.
But of course, i don't really want him to come home drunk. I want to see his face, smiling . I want him to be in a good mood, maybe happy to see me. I want him to grab me for a big bear hug and a long kiss and the words "Please stick with me Molly".

But it's 7:45 and I'm straining to distinguish the sound of every passing vehicle.
Pray for good news for me this night. I'm running out of hope.

Just rambling...

2008-09-14T10:01:00.003-04:00

I had a visit from my Mom this weekend. We talked and cooked and gardened and I managed to keep the cigarettes to a minimum for her. We spent a lot of time talking about my older sister, who is so different and so difficult. Of anyone in the family, she would really benefit from therapy. I think she has a lot of body issues and self esteem issues and these make her extremely defensive to the point where normal conversation is nearly impossible on any topic. We've never been close, didn't grow up together and now live on opposites coasts of this country. I think a tight sisterly bond is pretty much impossible.
I also had a good conversation with mom about S, which I haven't done in a long time. I told her about the HBO Addiction series and how it's helped me to better understand his addiction and why "he can't just stop". She was receptive, but I think a little skeptical. Though she didn't say so to me. I think she truly likes S (he's a very easy man to like) and really just wants us to be happy together. Plus, I think she's hankering for more grandkids. I get that from my dad too. But kids? Wow. I don't feel right about bringing a child into our relationship yet. I just hope that some sense of stability comes before I'm too old for wee ones. Thankfully, I have some years. I was just glad to have been able to talk with her about addiction. If S is going to be in my life for years to come, I want my family to be able to understand and support him and me. I don't want this disease to be an elephant in the room at every family occasion.

I guess that's all that's on my mind for now. It's a chilly, drizzly fall day out. I think I'll catch up on blogs, read a book and squeeze in a little work, saving plenty of time for an afternoon nap.
Much love to you all.
M

Taking Care of Myself

2008-09-11T16:36:00.005-04:00

Intellectually, I know that I need to "take care of myself". But what does this really mean? I did see an acupuncturist today and think I'm sold on that style of medicine for the rest of my days on earth. That was a step towards taking care of myself. I wonder in what other ways I should or could take care of myself.
I eat too many sweets, smoke too much herb and too many cigarettes, and the acupuncturist said I need to give up coffee. (Cruel and unusual punishment, I say)
On the other hand, I'm trying to make friends and do stuff in the community (going to the library, volunteering on weekends, evening class next month...). This sounds reasonably healthy and well-adjusted, no? Physically I could be in a lot worse shape, I think.
In what ways do I, and should I, take care of myself emotionally? This blog definitely is beneficial, getting the words out instead of letting them rattle around the brain cells. I do need to build a better support system, maybe try some AlAnon meetings again.
But the problem to me is that "taking care of myself" emotionally means working with S to put our relationship on a good path. That's a huge part of a healthy, happy, well adjusted Molly. So then how do I "take care of myself" if I can't take care of that part?
I mean, to me, the action of "taking care of myself" would include things like figuring out how to buy a house, how to support myself and be a productive part of my community and world.
As an individual I'm doing okay, it's the rest of my family I'm worried about.

Oh but I don't really know. I'm making it all up. I'm just searching for a way to make sense of this crazy crazy world we live in.

And in case you were wondering about last night, my poor sweet man was overtaken again.

He's late

2008-09-10T19:24:00.004-04:00

An hour late is all it takes for me to start wondering if he's drinking again. Grocery store then home, just to pick up two things for dinner...it shouldn't take him this long. But I don't want to call. Not yet.
Each car that drives by, I listen to hear his truck. But nothing yet. And the seconds tick by.
Now I'm limping from room to room (my back pain is brutal), not wanting or able to clean or cook. Is this engine his? It slows, turns and parks...but not his truck.
Cross your fingers for me. This could be a long night.

Seriously. What would you do?

Something else for a change

2008-09-09T21:19:00.005-04:00

A list of things I love about fall (in no particular order).

Wearing a big cozy hoodie on cool nights

Apple picking in Vermont

Endless amounts of fall foliage and colors

County fairs for the fried dough and farm animals, but not so much the carnies

The smell of leaves

Pumpkins and gourds and squash

Comfort foods like mashed potatoes, slow cooked stews, and zucchini bread

Cicadas and crickets

Cooler nights mean more snuggling necessary (man and beast)

Tomatoes and carrots and zucchini

Fewer summer tourists in town

Football Sundays (the perfect excuse for long afternoon naps)

Halloween is coming!

What'd I miss?

Mental Storage Space

2008-09-08T18:22:00.004-04:00

I like this blogging business. It makes me think about what's going on in my life. Why is it that the act of writing can help to clarify and focus thoughts? This blog prevents me from slipping into the cozy place in my mind where problems don't exist and I can ignore the elephant in the room.
Such a massive elephant too, it's kind of amazing we can still ignore something that size. I guess it's easier than trying to figure out how to squeeze it's big ass out the door.

S is at a group tonight and mentioned that he might hit an AA meting after that. There's one that he likes nearby, but this Monday night routine has also created opportunity in the past for S to drink, so I worry that it could be a trigger as well. We'll see. We had a good weekend though, so maybe that will carry him through a little longer. His appointment is Thursday with the pill doctor (can I just say that instead of phramo-psychologist? It takes too long to type and I don't know how to spell it.) I'm still trying not to get my hopes up too high for the meds, but it's hard not to imagine the possibilities. I can't even think of the possibility that she wouldn't prescribe anything.
Unfortunately, I think next week we should go back to the couples counselor. It's been a number of weeks, and we usually have a pretty constructive, if slightly torturous, hour. I guess that's what good therapy does though; it makes you look at and think about what's going on inside the ol' noggin. And couples therapy forces us to talk to each other about those pesky noggin thoughts. I'm not convinced we're getting it all out on our own right now. In fact, I'm pretty damn sure that both of us are holding back some feelings (no point in downplaying an obvious fact).

On another note, and a super exciting one at that, I've got my very first ever appointment to see an acupuncturist for my back. I'm really excited and I hope she can work some serious magic. Otherwise, I might be thinking about a career change.

Not a very exciting post, I'm afraid, but thanks for letting me get it out there.

Happy Fall!

Support

2008-09-06T10:04:00.004-04:00

Thank you all for your many thoughts and well wishes. I got a little teary eyed yesterday from all the support! Is this what Al-Anon is like, but with "live" people? I've only ever gone to a few Al-Anon meetings and that was when S and I first got married and I started to face the issue. I hate to say it, and please don't be offended, but I found the meetings to be incredibly depressing. They were small groups, in dark rooms and the people were always crying. No wonder I ran screaming from my marriage! I should try again, I suppose. What do you folks like about your meetings, if you go? What other support systems are there? After the past week of feeling so alone in the big bad world, I need to have something to in place to help me when things get to that point again. I don't have a lot of friends. My dearest friend is in Bangladesh. My family is really loving, but...well, I don't think they're equipped to support me in times like these. I've only been blogging about this for a few weeks, but I've found it to be very helpful. If nothing else, I will continue to write.
S and I did try to talk last night, haltingly, carefully. But it was still the beginnings of conversation.
In the darkest times it's so hard to see through to a more positive place. I should try to remember that that is probably how S feels most of the time. Next week is his meeting with the psychologist and I hope that the medications will help. I hope, I hope, I hope. I hope for miracle pills that will turn my man back into the laughing, smiling, happy man he once was. I hope she says the right things to him to get him to AA and to make these steps out of addiction a little easier. Last night he told me that he feels like he has concrete boots on. His suffering breaks my heart.
But I do feel better today. I slept long and well last night. And somehow my back is not troubling me like it was all week. So there is some of the relief I was looking for. Again, I thank you all for your support and kind words.
XOXO,
~ M

What the Fuck

2008-09-04T19:37:00.002-04:00

So tired tonight. Long, hard day at work today, in some pretty good heat. My back is really bothering me too. Haven't been sleeping well. Feel drained and very sad and so lonely. What am I going to do? I want so badly for things to be so good that I think maybe I imagine the good times to be even better than they are. Or maybe I'm just able to appreciate the good times because the bad times are so bad.
Or maybe I'm just sick to death of wondering and guessing and imagining what's going and I just want to hear it from him. I need him to talk to me. If there's any way to make it work, he's going to have to talk to me. I don't care if he doesn't want to communicate, he has no choice if he wants me in his life. I just hope that "if" isn't too big.
Ugh. Too tired and blue to blog tonight.
Depressed and complaining -- that will have readers flocking. Away.

An off night...

2008-09-03T18:17:00.000-04:00

He's drinking tonight. All day long I knew this was coming. I knew it when I went to bed last night. I didn't even stop at home after work. Instead, I went straight to the marina and pulled in right behind him. We talked, or tried to. I hate talking to him when he's been drinking. It's so hard to control my temper and tell him that I love him and to be safe when I want to scream and rant and become unnaturally violent. These are the difficult times. Tomorrow he'll be remorseful and depressed. Tomorrow night or the next he'll come around and probably apologize. He'll probably tell me he appreciates what I'm trying to do. I'm not trying to belittle his words (or future words). I know he's sincere. He's sincere every time and it will last a few days, maybe a week or more before it happens again.
But tonight he resents me for bringing up the "drinking problem" every night I've been home (all of two days). He resents me for having this blog, or needing this blog. He resents that it's not his own personal problem but our problem.
And I just want....relief, I think. And maybe a little human interaction. This blogging community I'm discovering is amazing, but you'll have to forgive me for still wanting to look into another person's eyes, for needing hugs, for wanting some love and affection.
From moment to moment I'm committed, then ready to walk; heartbroken, then full of love; scared then hopeful. Will it always be like this? I'm afraid I know the answer already.

Rambling...

2008-09-02T20:25:00.000-04:00

I recently found a book at the library called Addiction. It's a supplement to a small series HBO produced in 2007. S and I watched the first two dvd's last night and I have to recommend it very highly. Please check it out. It includes interviews with the top doctors and researchers in addiction and it clearly explains how addiction is a disease of the brain and how relapse is part of the disease. In their words:
"Addiction is a chronic relapsing brain disease. Brain imaging shows that addiction severely alters brain areas critical to decision-making, learning and memory, and behavior control, which may help to explain the compulsive and destructive behaviors of addiction."
This is the theory and thinking in which I place my hope.
I don't believe that an addict has to reach "rock bottom" before they can get help. I desperately hope that this is a disease that we're just beginning to understand and that someday soon we'll have the tools to treat it. I want to believe that soon the stigma will begin to dissolve and we'll no longer see addicts as weak, as morally degenerate or as criminals. Maybe our loved ones will be treated no differently than someone with heart disease or hypertension.
If I prayed, that would be my prayer. I wish I prayed. I wish I believed in some greater, mystical force that could hear my hopes and grant my request (it's not like I'm praying to win the lottery, after all). Mostly, I believe that power is within each and everyone of us. The power of the individual to be the change they wish to see in the world. But I'm afraid that while I rent the movies and read the books and try and try and try in every way I can think and analyze the best ways to talk about it and the best ways to make him happy, I also somehow know that in the end, it's all up to him. And in S I've placed a lot of hopes and dreams for the future. And I don't have control over him or his actions. There is a lot of fear in acknowledging that. That exact fear and lack of control over my future is why I wanted the divorce. So why am I back with him? I never stopped loving him. I still love him and I still hope and dream about our future. But while I do that, life keeps rolling along. So I try to remember that too, and to appreciate what I have each and every day. And I have so much that I'm grateful for--my sweet house and amazing town and friendly neighbors. I've actually made friends with another woman my age who lives two houses up from me. I can't tell you how huge this is for me. It's beyond amazing and I'm so grateful for it. I've never had a lot of close friends and have a hard time opening up to strangers.
I'm grateful for my job which may not ever make me wealthy, but has me outside every day, working with some terrific and quirky people on some stunning gardens. It's still the honeymoon phase of this new job, but for right now, I love it!
It just feels good to be able to appreciate what I have, what we have. I want so much for S to be able to see the world as I see it. Is that ridiculous? I want him to appreciate all the amazing things in his life and ours.

Goddammit, I want him to turn off the TV and talk to me.
Sigh.
Big dreams. Big world. Little me.

The Battle

2008-08-31T20:19:00.000-04:00

My cousin A didn't make it to my aunt's yesterday. He was supposed to come to lunch and stay the afternoon. He'd been sober a week. I'm proud of him for the week he did do. But the heartache I felt when I heard he wouldn't make it was so familiar. I'm tired and sad and ready to go home. I haven't heard from S either and am trying not to worry. It's too soon yet to worry about him. And this visit has given me plenty to worry about, like A's son who's just 10 and sweet as pie, and my father living alone here. I want him out east with me, though after four intense days with him, I am ready to get back to my life where I don't feel the need to explain my man, my job and my finances. Aw, but he means well and just cares deeply. I try my best to live a good life. Don't we all?

Saying goodbye to my father breaks my heart and his, every single time. I've learned to handle it and the grief only lasts a short while. But I think Dad's heartache has never left him. I want him out east with me. I want to not worry about him, perhaps give him a little company and happiness. He and S are so much alike. I suppose that's part of what attracted me to S in the first place. I do feel the need to help S in the way that I was never able to help my father.

In these moments of grief, I wonder, like my father does, what is the meaning of it all? The rest of the time my usual optimism prevents me from asking that which I will never understand.

In the Family

2008-08-31T08:46:00.000-04:00

It's my last day of vacation out here in Indiana. I've had more good food than you can possibly imagine. My aunt is an old-fashioned cook--lots of meat and potatoes and cakes and cookies. Yum! She shows her love by feeding us all. In a way, food is her addiction. She's struggled with her weight all her life, even had the stomach stapling surgery. It didn't really help, and in fact she almost died from it. And like an addict, her patterns never changed. She still cooks like she's feeding a family of nine, even if it's just the three of us. And vegetables are corn covered in butter and salt.
Her youngest son, A, has been around this weekend. He has always been the troubled one. Their father, my uncle, died when the kids were teenagers. A was probably13 years old. I can't say if that's what caused him to become an addict, but I'll bet it didn't help. This weekend I had my first real conversation with him about it. I'd always heard about his problems, but never got into it with him before. But now that my family knows about S and has a little better understanding of our situation, I think A felt able to talk to me about it. He's a lot like S. Once he starts he can't stop. But A isn't sure he wants to stop, even though he knows he should. He also knows he can't find a happy medium of just drinking a little, even though that's what he'd like to do. S went through that phase, and probably still feels that way sometimes. Some people can't just have one or two drinks; they are incapable of stopping at that point. And those are the people that can't/shouldn't drink at all. But that all or nothing ultimatum is a tough one. They want to be able to drink like "normal" people. But there's no happy medium in drinking for an alcoholic. While talking to A about S, he said something that really struck me. I was talking about how hard it is for S to try to quit, but that he is trying and really wants to. A said "I know how hard it is and it really says something about how S feels about you. I've had plenty of girls say quit drinking or quit me and I left them in the dust for the booze."
I can't wait to see my man tomorrow to tell him how much I love him and how proud I am of him.
I worry about A. He's gotten into trouble with is drinking. Trouble with the police, car trouble, woman trouble, trouble paying rent and keeping a job. Alcoholics don't have to hit rock bottom to realize they need to get help. I really think that an educated support system can help the alcoholic before he gets to that point. I don't want A to kill himself or some else while driving drunk. A's a good man and smart with a sweet and beautiful son who needs him. I know I can't save him, but I will do what i can. I'd like to buy the HBO Addiction DVD's and book and send it to my aunt. Education and knowledge can only help us bring the topic out into the open. We should be able to talk about without stigma. I'm sure A feels like the outcast of the family, like his doctor brother looks down on him for his "weakness". But if that kind of thinking can start to shift, maybe we can save a good man from tragedy. And save his family from any further, or worse heartache.
My heart is full of love for the people in my life and for those I don't know who suffer deep inside from this disease. I must remember to live one day at a time. I must remember that I cannot save the world or even my dearest family and friends. The only control I have is over myself, my actions and my reactions. All I can offer is love.

Why the Addict can't just Stop

2008-08-28T07:43:00.000-04:00

I'm in the airport now, waiting to travel to Indiana. Things smoothed out after the other night. S came down around 8pm and we talked a bit. He really beats himself up after he drinks. By that point, I was over my annoyance and just wanted to love him. He doesn't want to act that way and it kills him that he can't control it. He still believes that somehow it's a character flaw--that if he was strong enough or man enough, he could will himself to act the way he wants to act. But the disease doesn't let him. My understanding is that we all have Stop and Go mechanisms in our brains. The addicted brain's Stop mechanism doesn't get a chance once the Go mechanism has been triggered. And the triggers can be anything and last the blink of an eye. Most of the time, the addict isn't even aware of the trigger. Some of the meds available work to rebuild that Stop mechanism.
At least, this is what I pulled from the research I've done. I'm no doctor.
A friend and neighbor of ours has a roommate who's addicted to crack. Now, we live in a really nice, quiet seacoast town. This is NOT the slums of Boston or anything remotely close. He's a nice man who works for a golf course. Addiction can affect anyone. In fact, one in four families are affected by addiction. The stigma and misunderstanding surrounding this disease is huge and detrimental to millions of people. I think about all the people thrown in jail because of drugs. Now, I'm not saying that drug dealers should be free, but maybe as a country we need to completely change how we think about drugs, drug abusers and addiction. I don't think we'd throw a diabetic in jail for buying a snickers. How different is it when an addict buys drugs from an undercover cop? So throw the big players in jail. But the addict is suffering from a disease. He or she is not delinquent, they need help and support and understanding. And lots of patience! The patience part is the hardest for me.
Two weeks from today he sees the Pharmo-psychologist. We have a lot resting on what she says and does so I really hope she knows her stuff. The battle continues...

2008-08-26T19:32:00.000-04:00

More than Annoyed

2008-08-26T18:25:00.000-04:00

S didn't go to group last night. Said he got there too late. So he went to the marina and drank instead. He didn't drink much, which is unusual, and normally I'd take it as a good sign. But he drank again today. It's 6:30pm and he's asleep in bed. Passed out, I guess you'd say. I'm trying to be understanding. But really, I'm just annoyed right now. He's on vacation this week and he said he was pissed because his boss called him this morning. But what the fuck! Don't drink because of that! Christ. Even without meds, I really wish he'd make some kind of fucking effort. Like go to an AA meeting or two, for instance. The feeling sorry for himself routine just drives me up the wall sometimes. I try to be understanding, really I do. I know he can't look on the bright side of things, either because of his personality or brain chemistry or some combination of factors, but it gets old after a while.
I'm going away for a long Labor Day weekend. I'm excited to see the family, and frankly, I'm glad to be getting away from this for a few days. Of course, while I'm gone he's hosting a little bachelor party on the boat. Probably not going to be a sober weekend then. Ninety five percent of the time I'm committed to working this out with him. But every now and again I feel like bailing on the whole jar of pickles and looking for a new start. But everyone's got their issues.
Maybe it's time to call up Martha (our couple counselor) for a visit. It's been a few weeks, and she's a great way for the two of us to clear the air. I guess I'll have to wait until I get back from the weekend.
For the moment, I'll have to do something with myself on this Tuesday night. Even though I worked hard all day and get home about 12 hours after I leave in the morning, there is still laundry all over the house that needs to get put away and some sort of dinner. I'm sorry but I'm pissed off about this. I guaran-damn-tee you if I was on vacation the house would be spotless and dinner would be ready by the time he walked in the door after a long day at work. I sure as hell wouldn't leave a mess and be passed out in bed.
Here's where the brain disease part of this whole matter is really hard. I wouldn't be mad if he left a mess and was asleep upstairs if he had cancer, right? Is it the co-occuring mental disorders coming into play? Depression and addiction? As health issues, why are they harder to sympathize with than cancer or diabetes? Is it the diseases that keep him from seeking AA meetings and instead spending the day on the couch?

There's another layer to the madness that involves an issue of mine. In my past, I learned that attention from men meant I was accepted and needed. There's a history there that I don't need to get into. While S was drinking, I flirted with men and around the time of our divorce I crossed a line and exchanged some pretty hot 'n heavy text messages with another man. S found the messages and it's caused a lot of damage that we've struggled with over the past year. Through Martha, I've been able to see where my behavior came from and it hasn't been a problem for me recently (though we are still dealing with my previous behavior to this day). BUT, today I have the urge to go out and build myself up again by finding some man to stroke my ego. It makes sense, in some sick way. I feel shitty because he's drunk and passed out again. A little superficial flirting would give me that empowered high. Twisted, I guess. And I won't do it because I understand that it's superficial. Nevertheless, I wish he could show a little appreciation for me right now. And right now is when he's least able to do that.
Signing off lonely and lost for now,
M

I'm drinking wine

2008-08-25T18:35:00.000-04:00

Guilty. Of having a couple big glasses of wine while S is off to counseling. Sue me. I'm tired. I work my ass off all day and my back is killing me. I don't have a drinking problem. So I have the ability to come home, pop a couple ibuprofen and wash them down with a little pinot. But I still feel guilty.
Monday nights have been a bit problematic in recent history. S attends a group counseling session for addicts, and then was hitting an AA meeting on his way home. But the pattern became counseling, AA, then drinking and coming home drunk. So he's been skipping AA. But still. Every night he's away, I have to wonder what state he'll come. I suppose it will be like this for the rest of our lives.
There are worse burden's to bear.
I truly believe that he can't help it. He knows I despise him drunk. And he hates to hurt me by coming home that way. He can't stop drinking to excess every time, without exception. The poor man. How can I not feel for him? He's not in control. Can you even imagine what that might feel like?
So I stay. Because I've gotten to a point where it doesn't feel like the end of the relationship every time he drinks. Even though he's not the person I know and love when he's under the influence, i know he can't help it. My understanding of the whole issue has grown and changed.

We haven't been to our couples counselor in a couple weeks, and neither of us seem eager to go back. Martha was really terrific for a while and helped us tremendously. We learned a lot about patience and communication. But we haven't come to an understanding about the alcohol with her. Recently, it has felt as though she's lost patience. Does she want us to split in order to give him to room to address his addiction? Maybe she's frustrated with his lack of action. Understandable. But I'm frustrated with her lack of solutions. She thinks that when he understands WHY he drinks, he'll be better able to control it. But I don't think he drinks to deal with some trauma in his past. I think he drank a lot socially from a young age and the alcoholic gene finally caught up with him. Throw in some depressive tendencies and a construction worker environment that includes lots of beer and pot. Does there need to be any deeper reason?

Sobriety = a happy Molly

2008-08-24T08:27:00.001-04:00

S came home sober last night. I couldn't ask for any more than that. He's going to a pharmopsychologist (sp?) in a couple weeks. She'll be able to prescribe meds for the alcoholism. Most addicts also suffer from comorbidity, which means they usually suffer from another mental health disorder such as depression. Addicts have generally self-medicated their whole lives. My man has depressive tendencies, so hopefully she'll be able to address both issues.
"Co-occuring mental disorders and drug addiction appear to be the rule rather than the exception." Nora Volkow of the National Institute on Drug Abuse.
But I'm afraid he thinks her prescriptions will be miracle pills. But they will only be part of the solution. Behavioral therapy is also necessary to get this disease under control, and in the past three years he has not been able to connect with AA.
More to come. For now, I beautiful late summer day on the boat with my man. I do love him so.

Addiction is a Brain Disease

2008-08-23T19:18:00.000-04:00

Alcoholism is a disease, an illness. Like cancer or heart disease. I knew this when I divorced S. But the sheer panic I felt at having committed my life to an alcoholic overwhelmed me, and I asked for the divorce ten months after we eloped.
It's a disease, right? But S chose to continue drinking, and he chose to deny the problem. Or so I thought. Turns out, that's what the disease does. It's all chemical and the chemicals in alcohol changed the functions of his brain so that his choices were not choices at all.
I suppose I should change tenses here. S still drinks. We're back together. Or still together, since we really only split for a couple months. He stopped drinking after the divorce (so he can stop, which makes it all the more confusing). When he's not drinking, he's the man I love and wanted to marry. That made it easier to get back together. Plus a really great couples counselor (more on her later). We've been together now for over six years. One year long distance, one year living together, one year engaged, 10 months married, two months not together, one year dating/pseudo living together but with separate places, and now living together again. The relationship is better, as is our understanding of his drinking. It's still difficult, and I think will always be. For a while, he would go for one, two or even three months of sobriety. I remember when we moved into our current home, only four month ago, he drank the day before I had to move my things out of my apartment. We were fighting while moving in together and I thought I'd have to start looking for a new place right away. But I didn't. And we kept going to counseling.
The past month or so, he's been drinking more. Several times a week. I've stopped keeping track. In fact, since he's not home now, I'm worried that he's going to come home drunk. And knowing that he can't control it, through no fault of his own, does help me to cope. But it's not easy.
Any readers of this (whoever you may be), may wonder if he really is an alcoholic. Perhaps I will post on that in depth at some point. But for now, please trust me when I say that he is. It's a disease. Do you question the person with cancer if they really have it?
I think writing about all of this will be very difficult. I feel drained after four paragraphs.
He left at 5:20pm to go work on the boat and pick up pasta sauce for dinner. It's now 7:40. I can't help but wonder in what state he will come home.