House hunting

I want a home. I want a place to call my own. I want to raise my family alongside my man in this home of ours. I want to live in this town. I love it’s history, it’s charm, it’s proximity to the ocean. I love all the old houses, the friendly shopkeepers, the local farms.

We found this house. Built in 1850, it’s been completely redone and turned into a two family. We could have the second and third floor. We’d have our own yard. I want this home.

Before we started looking, I bought the cheapest, warmest, shortest vacation I could find. Steve and I are going to Florida on Friday for a long weekend.

When we get back, maybe we’ll make an offer. It’s just that it costs so damn much. 20% down? HA! We can barely scrape together 10%. And then all the closing costs, insurance and taxes, OH MY! But when I crunch the numbers, it looks like we could do it. As long as the economy doesn’t tank and neither one of us loses our job.
I want this house. I want to put a big fluffy perennial bed in front. I want to push a stroller up to this door. I want to call THIS one, home.

LOVE Holiday

Valentine's Day is almost here and I'm in the mood for love! Steve and I are talking about getting remarried. We found my ring (still in my underwear drawer--no thief will ever look there!) from the first time around and brought it to a jeweler to get altered a bit. It will be our ring, just a little different. Just like us. We're checking out lots of houses. We're talking about joint bank accounts and babies. We're having conversations about our future together.
This is a gift and a miracle.
I know this is a journey and a process. I know we will have our times of doubt and despair. I know that I am connecting my life to his, but after almost 7 years, I can confidently say that I truly know what that connection means.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

A little history

I was cleaning out my inbox today and found a whole bunch of emails from when Steve and I were splitting up. It made me so sad to read those. And so grateful we stayed together. Emails about the apartment and divorce papers and trying so hard to do right by ourselves and each other. Emails filled with longing for good times again. Emails filled with regret for the way things turned out.
Steve and I did divorce. But we never really separated. He got his own apartment, but after a few months was staying with me almost every night. We moved back in together officially one year (almost to the day) after our initial split. I wish we had never had to end our marriage. But I think that was a big part of the reason that Steve started examining his alcohol use and abuse. He was still drinking even when we moved back in together. And I was doubting my decision constantly. Thank god for counseling.
When I read back through some of my posts from the summer and fall, I'm amazed at how awful things were before AA. Alcoholics Anonymous gave me my Steve again. I never thought that would be possible. And now he's approaching 5 months of sobriety. It doesn't sound like much, but it feels like heaven.

Today I am grateful for:
The snow falling outside. It's beautiful, even though I'm tired of winter. I get to work from home on days like this.

My new cat curled up next to me on the couch.

A warm house. A terrific job.

Another day that I don't have to wonder how drunk he'll be when he comes home.
Another day of having my partner fully present.
Another day to learn to trust each other again.
Another day to fill with love and gratitude.