By the light of a new day, my fears about buying the house feel much more manageable. Last night, I felt swallowed up by enormous monsters of irrational fear; fear of losing my life savings, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of markets crashing, the world imploding, the seas rising...
Steve stayed patient with me. When he came to bed we talked and he held me and I calmed down. I don't have to worry about our relationship. He's sober. I'm committed. We've worked through a lot of shit and made it. And when I think about my future, he's always in the picture. He's my family, and I love him with all my heart and soul.
The house is the right price. It's in the right location. It has everything we want. I don't know what else will come onto the market. But I don't want to lose our chance at this place while we wait for something better to come along. We've looked at a lot of houses, and this one fits us BOTH.
It feels like jumping off a cliff, taking a LEAP into the unknown, betting it all on one hand. It's easy to take risks when the consequences are small or unknown.
I remember riding an amusement park ride where you're lifted straight up in the air and then dropped straight down. That rush of anti-gravity was so exhilarating, that I stood in line over and over again. My freshman year in college, I walked out the door of the dining hall carrying one of the heavy, wooden dining hall chairs, past the old ladies watching the students to make sure we didn't smuggle food, and brought it across the quad to my dorm room. To me, it was a minor thrill. My friends were shocked and awed. Last month I called a competing business and pretended to be a potential client to find out pricing information for my coworker. These are the small risks that I have no problem making. My actions don't affect anyone but me, and the consequences don't hurt anyone.
This action, buying our first home, requires me to be brave in a whole other way. It's a commitment to our future. It's exciting and exhilarating as an amusement park ride, but without the guarantee of a safety harness. I'm praying about it, and slowly feeling more certain, more ready, more excited.
We went back to the little yellow house today to see if it was still The One. I'm scared to buy this house. Life is so uncertain. I do not like to gamble, and this feels like gambling with everything I have. I'm reading a terrific book called "An Altar in the World" by Barbara Brown Taylor. She talks about finding God everywhere, in everyone. She talks about the divinity of the human body and its desires and failures. All part of God's universe. I am scared of screwing up this relationship again.
We just got back from four days in Florida, which was heaven after months of snow and cold and ice here in New England. The first picture was the view from our hotel (the second picture is our patio before we left).
Our plane was delayed, of course, so we didn't arrive until after 3am on Saturday. The poor guy checking us in must have felt really bad for us because he gave us a room upgrade, which we were way too tired to appreciate. But the next morning, when I opened to the curtains to that view. I felt like the luckiest gal on the planet! We had a terrific time in the sun. Plus we went to a live butterfly museum and spent hours watching the butterflies float by and the hummingbirds dart around. The trip was brief and more money than I wanted to spend, but worth it for every second we spent relaxing together in the sun.
Still haven't made a decision on the house, though.
But, I have a ring on my finger, so that means we're going to make another go of it! Don't expect any big wedding plans. We eloped the first time around and plan on going even more low-key the second (and final!) time.