Friday, November 28, 2008

An uninteresting update

Yesterday we had Thanksgiving dinner at his parents home, just the four of us. After six years, I'm finally learning how to be around his parents without feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I feel secure enough to just be myself and not worry about what they may think of me and my relationship with their son. I relaxed, and laughed, and had a really good time.
In the early years when we were together, I wanted desperately to make a good impression. I wanted them to see me as more than a girlfriend, but as a daughter-in-law. Not because I wanted their love, but because I wanted his. But shortly after we got married, the alcohol problem came out from under the rug. Our constant fighting made family occasions together awkward because I didn't know what or how much his parent knew. I was protective and withdrawn. When we separated, his father came to our apartment to talk to me. My man didn't know about that conversation for many months, maybe years. And I didn't see his parents for a long time after that. Just this year, we've gotten together with them a handful of times. Given our history, the circumstances feel a bit awkward to me. But I don't feel stressed out anymore. I guess I know I tried to do the right thing for myself and for him. I think also the words of the serenity prayer apply perfectly. I'm finding the wisdom, in this situation at least.
I don't think we'll ever be at point where I feel comfortable talking about the trials and tribulations of loving their alcoholic son, but one never knows.
In the meantime, I'm exceedingly grateful for his continued sobriety. I feel close and connected with him. I feel happier and more secure than I can remember and I don't think I could ask for anything more.

Except to talk about our future babies.
But I don't think I'll push my luck. :-)

Happy holidays to all.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


I went through a brief phase recently which may or may not be over, in which I lost the desire to write for this blog and even to read the blogs I've enjoyed following. I can attribute this to a therapy session that questioned my reasons for blogging. The point was made that it is easier to "talk" to the blogosphere than it is to have an actual conversation with my man.

In the first 30 to 40 days of my man's sobriety, I posted very often but communicated very little with him about how I was feeling. In this time period, he thought the relationship was going pretty well and that life was looking pretty rosy in general. So it was a bit of a surprise when I started to actually verbalize my tumultuous emotions in therapy and then also at home (approximately days 40 to 55 of sobriety). There have been lots of tears and late night conversations. But because of this, I'm feeling more comfortable communicating. We're making concerted efforts, almost every day, to check in and catch up. I feel like the relationship is finally starting to turn a corner. I'm blogging less, and talking to him more.
My poor man is a little bewildered, I think, by all this emotion. But it doesn't seem to be scaring him away and he has been open and receptive.

All of this is a bit of an apology and explanation to you, my invisible friends, for a lapse in my involvement in this electronic universe. This blog, and therefore all of you, are many things to me; a diary, a best friend, a rebound lover, a conscience, and mostly, a line to God.

I thank you, for all your voices. I thank God, for a place to write because nothing clarifies my thoughts like written words.


Sunday, November 16, 2008

A New Day

Yes, a new day did bring new energy, as well as much talking, sharing and listening. Tonight I go to my Sunday AlAnon which usually bolsters me for a few more days. We're working it out. He is trying and we do want to make this strange new/old relationship of ours work.
Lately, I've stopped praying because I almost feel scared of it. I find that praying requires such openness and trueness of self. This is difficult! I'm so used to projecting onto others what I want them to think of me, that I almost believe it myself. Praying requires more honesty than that, and it ain't easy!
But I think I will keep trying. It felt awfully good at the same time.

That's all for now.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

60 days of sobriety

Tomorrow my man will reach his sixtieth day of sobriety. So why did I cry myself to sleep again last night? Who is this man I've been living with for six years? I feel as though I don't know him at all. I should feel good about this change in him, isnt' this what I wanted? Not only is he not drinking, but he's no longer moody and depressed. In fact he's silly and teasing all the time, when all I want is a normal conversation.
We've been working on this relationship for years and still not getting anywhere.
He's getting sober. I'm getting older. But together we still can't communicate. I'm tired of working on it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll have the energy again.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Nothing new

I've started a new post a couple times since Halloween, with nothing much to say.

We continue. Two steps forward, one step back. I pray when I remember and when I'm feeling hopeful or in despair. S continues with the meetings, and for that I am truly grateful.

I mostly feel good, sometimes exceedingly happy, other times merely existing, with little thought to my state of mind.

But today I am grateful for the chance to vote. I am grateful for AA and it's impact on S. I'm grateful for my friends and family. I'm grateful for this beautiful day and being able to work in short sleeves once more. So thank you God for this amazing world and my teeny tiny little sliver of comprehension of the vastness that is Your being.