I spent the week before Christmas away visiting family. I ate lots of great food, enjoyed the company of my family and managed to keep my serenity for the majority of the visit. Towards the end of my trip, I felt increasingly homesick. Dire weather forecasts made me fear I'd never get back home to my man. My cell phone wasn't charging and I felt out of touch and almost desperate for him. When the plane actually touched down, I felt such relief. We drove home in a blizzard, but at least I was home.
My man and I spent our first Christmas together this year. For the past six years we've always been with our own families for this day. But this year we had a big tree and presents beneath it and I made Christmas breakfast.
He's been sober for more than 100 days and sometimes I don't think I deserve this happiness. I'm in the relationship I've always dreamed of with him. Yesterday we went to the bank and got pre-approved for a mortgage for our first home.
I still get annoyed with him sometimes. It's not like we're perfect now. He teases me too much, and trying talk can still be like pulling teeth. The TV is on a lot. And he gets mad when I bring up acupuncture for his bad back.
But it's good to remind myself of what I have to be grateful for. I no longer feel that anxious knot in my stomach every time he walks through the door. There are no bottles of vodka hidden in the garden, or empty nips in the laundry. He's not angry at the world, at his job, at me. He's relaxed, easy-going and silly the way he was when we first met.
As for me, I'm learning how to listen and how to pray. I feel a belief in a Higher Power that I never had before and that feels good! I can dream about my life and my future without fear, only excitement. I've made good friends here!
Every once in a while, I sense a little tingling in the back of my neck over when this bubble might burst. But even that is manageable with what I've learned in AlAnon. I can't worry about the "what if's" and "might be's". All I can do is the next right thing and be grateful for every moment that I have.
And so, with nothing but gratitude and hope in my heart, I pray that we all have happy, healthy and serene days for all of 2009 and beyond.
It's Been a Decade!
4 months ago