Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Turns out, I really AM crazy

I really feel that we need to clear the air. So I made an appointment to go back to the couples counselor next week.
S hasn't had a drink since Friday (I think, could be a day longer than that, I try not to keep track--is that bad?).
We're still not communicating with each other at all, really.

Good morning.
Have a good day.
I love you.
How was your day?
What do you want for dinner?
Look at this cute cat!
Well, I'm going to get in bed and read.

He's taking an antidepressant now. This was the recommendation of the pill doctor a week or so ago. It's too soon to tell if that's having any effect.
S tells me that the pill doctor may think that he's not an alcoholic.

I'm sorry, my thought process seems to have stalled after that last statement.

S not an alcoholic? Perhaps just self-medicating his depression with alcohol? Forgive me if I seem confused. Hoes does that explain the half-empty bottle of vodka hidden among the plants in the garden this weekend?
Maybe he's not an alcoholic. Maybe he just can't get out of the habit of self-medicating. Is that not the same thing?
So should I go back to calling it "the drinking problem" instead of alcoholism? Should I give a fuck anymore when I honestly can't tell if he does? And didn't I go through enough hellish months and years of wondering if I was the one with the problem because I couldn't stand to be around my man when he was drinking? Couldn't stand the way he stumbled and slurred and passed out and then repeated it the next night. Thanks Pill Doctor, for throwing that doubt back in my lap again.

I want to be patient and loving and supportive, I really do. It sounds insincere, but I swear to you it's not. I want more than anything to be the support he needs. But maybe he doesn't need my support. And maybe my support doesn't matter to his "drinking problem" one way or the other.

I also want to scream and rage and throw a wicked fit. When do I get my turn for tenderness and loving concern? When does the tv go off and we start taking walks, talking, and enjoying each others company?

You know the really sick thing? I almost want S to come home drunk so he'll go right to bed and I don't have to sit here in front of the tv not talking. If he comes home drunk then I can continue to wallow in my own self-righteous misery.
But of course, i don't really want him to come home drunk. I want to see his face, smiling . I want him to be in a good mood, maybe happy to see me. I want him to grab me for a big bear hug and a long kiss and the words "Please stick with me Molly".

But it's 7:45 and I'm straining to distinguish the sound of every passing vehicle.
Pray for good news for me this night. I'm running out of hope.


Addicted Rantings said...

Very powerful and sad.

Keep the faith and I’ll say a prayer for You and S.

Shadow said...

you deserve everything you say here you want. don't give up on that. support s but also take care not to loose yourself in the process. it's gotta be a 2-way street. hugs

Lou said...

I can hear the pain & confusion.
I also know that alcoholics will grab at anything anyone says to justify their drinking. Did the dr really say it that way, or is that what S wanted to hear?
Keep workin' on it & good luck.

Cat said...

drinking like an alcholic is exactly self medicating! my husband was depressed and drank to numb the pain of his life and his failings. he no longer drinks (knock on wood) its been 11 months now and while he probobly does still need some kind of an anti depressant he uses the AA meetings to help him through his feelings now - its like a club for him to go learn, teach and talk. he goes about 5 nights a week and sometimes I go to an open meeting with him on Saturday - which has helped me to understand what goes on at those meetings. We are closer to healthy than we have ever been but it was due largely in part to us - paying attention to ourselves - not one another - I had to get myself and my co-dependant behaviors under control and he had to work on the drinking. Change is scary but ultimately that is the only way I ahve found that we were able to move on - changing ourselves. Big hugs to you - hang in there - Cat

Kathy Lynne said...

Hey Molls...the only one who can diagnose S is S. Not even a therapist. Not even another alcoholic. The antidepressents may help but if he's an alcoholic they won't stop him from drinking. I started antidepressents as well while I was drinkiing. My drinking did let up for awhile as they addressed what I believe to be a chemical imbalance that I truly have, but I soon went back to drinking and it even increased.

NOT keeping track is exactly what you should be doing so in my opinion its not bad. It doesn't help him or you. You're not sick Molly, you're in pain. Hang in there..

AlkySeltzer said...

Oh, Molls, (if that's your real name?), your story here touched me deeply, I SO wish I lived next door to you, and I'd get S out with me to a meeting RIGHT NOW. He would know before the night was over whether he IS or he AIN'T, of course, he'd probably not tell anybody if he IS!!! -grin-

I cannot BELIEVE (well, I should know better) that a DOCTOR would tell S he "might not be an alcoholic." (Were you there with him?) That's what we NEED--more 'good' doctors. BULL SHIT! NOBODY knows if S is an Alkie, except ESS (that's "S")

My Email: if you'd care to write. BETTER,if S would write, I could TRY! Who knows, with God's help...?

Finally, all YOU can do is go to Alanon, tell them 'your' story, just like your blog today--print it out, so you don't forget a THING.

Another thing you should know is that alcoholics of my type (and I don't know other "types" -grin-) have ONE great commonality--we LIE! I lied when even the truth would suffice! And That's the truth! My lying ended many years ago, along with lots of other bad things.
Steve E.

Molls said...

Thank you all for the support and kind words. It means SO much to me.

Blankfrank06 said...

Hey Molly,
Jeez Molly, this post reminded me of all of the terrible selfish things I would do to my ex. I would actually give the silent treatment in order to provoke a fight so I could run out the door and get smashed. I'll include you and your husband in my prayers tonight.

Hang tough

Molls said...

Hey Steve E,
Molls is just a nickname. Saw another Molly kickin' around on some of the blogs I read, so I thought I better change it up.
As for the doctor, I wasn't there to hear the exact words, and when I brought it up tonight, the account changed a bit.
Still, I've got to get to Al-Anon...