I'm not quite sure why I had that little break-down the other night. I didn't even know why I was so sad and gloomy. At first I thought it was just the cheesy chick-flick I had just watched, or the heroine in my new novel falling in love that was making me sad. Of course I want my man to be the hero from movies, but it's just not realistic, and I know that.
When S came to bed last night and asked me if something was wrong, at first I said no. But I changed my mind right away and said yes, but I don't know what. And I didn't. But he gave me the room to try to talk it out and what followed was pretty interesting, for me anyway.
I told him I didn't know who, or how, to be with him now that it's been 21 days without a drink. He seems to be feeling so much better, and yet I feel somehow lost and alone in this new endeavor. I told him that I'm feeling extremely needy right now. I need his touch, his reassurance, and his conversation. And I need him to care enough to ask about me, to wonder how this change is affecting me, to fall in love with me like the hero from a movie.
I hate, hate, HATE feeling needy. And I hate asking him for more, when he has so much he's trying to do for himself.
But I think that's how it goes, right? Sometimes I need more from him and sometimes he needs more from me. I love him so much it's ridiculous. And I believe we can make this crazy life work for both of us. But I KNOW that will take a lot of work on our parts, and probably a lot of counseling too! That's okay. I'm okay with working at it. I know it's worth it.
Okay, enough for today.
It's Been a Decade!
4 months ago