I'm not quite sure why I had that little break-down the other night. I didn't even know why I was so sad and gloomy. At first I thought it was just the cheesy chick-flick I had just watched, or the heroine in my new novel falling in love that was making me sad. Of course I want my man to be the hero from movies, but it's just not realistic, and I know that.When S came to bed last night and asked me if something was wrong, at first I said no. But I changed my mind right away and said yes, but I don't know what. And I didn't. But he gave me the room to try to talk it out and what followed was pretty interesting, for me anyway.
I told him I didn't know who, or how, to be with him now that it's been 21 days without a drink. He seems to be feeling so much better, and yet I feel somehow lost and alone in this new endeavor. I told him that I'm feeling extremely needy right now. I need his touch, his reassurance, and his conversation. And I need him to care enough to ask about me, to wonder how this change is affecting me, to fall in love with me like the hero from a movie.
I hate, hate, HATE feeling needy. And I hate asking him for more, when he has so much he's trying to do for himself.
But I think that's how it goes, right? Sometimes I need more from him and sometimes he needs more from me. I love him so much it's ridiculous. And I believe we can make this crazy life work for both of us. But I KNOW that will take a lot of work on our parts, and probably a lot of counseling too! That's okay. I'm okay with working at it. I know it's worth it.
Okay, enough for today.
10 comments:
Feeling needy is something that I don't like either. It can sneak up on me sometimes though, especially if I don't get enough sleep or have a physical illness. Glad that you are feeling better.
One word: ALANON!
(Guess that was THREE words?)
When one partner commits to such a HUGE life-altering, behavioral-altering situation, as to "stay sober"--loads, just LOADS of chnges take place in the mind, the body, and the spiritual soul of the alcoholic.
So listen to what I say, whether you do-it (four-letter word!) or not...it is THE place to start, THE place to be.
You will learn that alcoholism is an illness. Moreover you will learn that all who live in a home WITH an alcoholic, all have become sick. Alcoholism is NOT a "derinking" disease, believe it or not. Booze is but a symptom of the "thinking" disease we call alcoholism.
You might wish to read in our Big Book, the "Chapter To The Wives". Your friend Steve E. (me) sure recommends it, and your friend will not lead you astray in these matters.
Feel free to quote me, and also to talk this over with anyone else you know and respect, who is knowledgeable on the subject of alcoholism. This advice I'm sending you tonight is to save your life...and it can possibly save your marriage, and make it a hundred times better than you ever dreamed. (NOTE: You'll need a sponsor in Alanon, just like HE needs a sponsor in AA.)
counselorNOT-a-roni
give and take. and as a couple, when he changes, of course you will change too. it has to happen. one thing influences another, no way round it. keep talking and communicating, as much as you can. that's how you'll find your way through this. lotsa luck and love to you both!
Thing is Molls from my experience, when I was getting sober, I didn't have room for my spouse. It was all I could do to not drink, go to meetings and ask for help. When I got home I'd need to sleep or be online with my support communities. He definatley felt left out and alone but he finally seemed to get that I couldn't do more and that ultimately this would lead to a better me. I'm getting better after 16 months but it took some time. Can you love S enough to give him space to recover? He's sick and it won't get better overnight but its good that you two are talkiing.
I love what Steve said and would agree,...the Chapter to the Wives is a great one. Feeling needy is just like any other feeling, it will pass and in the process you are just being honest with your feelings...how great is that?!!!
xo gabi
This is a common feeling among significant others of newly sober alcoholics. Al-anon can help. There is also chapter 8 in the AA big book "To wives", which is really to wives or husbands that talks about this. I read it before my wife got out of rehab. If you like movies, there is a good one that my wife and I watched soon after she got out of rehab that shows some of this relationship issue as well. It is called "My Name is Bill W" it stars James Woods and James Garner as the two AA founders. It is great for showing what newly sober alcoholics and their significant others are going through. Keep the dialogue going. That really helped my wife and I.
There is an AA & Alanon meeting that meets at the same time on Sunday nights at 8 pm at the Unitarian Church. Maybe you could go upstairs while he does downstairs and then have coffee together at Cafe Di afterwards. Just a suggestion:)
I'm back--ha,ha.
Just wanted to say a man that wants to "talk" is a good guy.
I was, and still am, somewhat insane from quitting drinking and my wife has had similar moments to what you just went through. As drinkers who quit it's difficult to find our way through things and re-define who we are but I think as each day passes we get closer to becoming who we were meant to be. But it's a roller coaster of epic proportions to get there.
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