Ramblings on living and loving a man with a brain disease called alcoholism.
Friday, October 31, 2008
I am SO EXCITED to hand out candy tonight to trick-o-treaters! I've never done it before, and only went a few times as a kid. Growing up in Vermont there aren't a lot of neighborhoods. My closest neighbor was miles away. I remember one year dressing up and walking up and down the road leading up to the local ski resort and trick-o-treating at each and every bar along the way. Made a killing, as I recall. Last night I bought all kinds of decorations and costumes and extra candy. We carved our pumpkin and hung ghosts in the windows. I can't wait for the end of today so I can get home! Tomorrow night our neighbor is having a Halloween party so I'll get a double dose of spooky fun.
It's great to have stuff to look forward to. I was starting to get pretty down this last week. The med's S is taking make him exhausted by the end of the day. By the time I get home from work, he's snoring on the couch and can't rouse himself until it's time for his meeting. It's been tough not having that time to talk or do anything together. I was feeling very disconnected from him after a few weeks of this. Thankfully, we saw our counselor on Wednesday and even though it was a tough session, we walked out of there with a better understanding. Carving the pumpkin together last night was so much fun, and so much better than watching him nap. The pill doctor had some suggestions as well that will hopefully alleviate his exhaustion.
For myself, I know that I have a hard time talking with S about anything that's not happy because I feel as though he's working so hard on his sobriety. I don't think that he has room on his plate for anything negative from me. But I have to remind myself that I can't read his mind and that he is not necessarily the same person he was when he was drinking, or before he starting attending AA. I also think that I use the blog as an outlet rather than talk to him because the blog doesn't usually cause any emotional conflict. It's much easier to blog about how he's sleeping all the time and nothing's getting done then it is to say to S that I'm feeling emotionally unfulfilled. Plus, I have a hard time accepting that I feel that way. He's doing so much already, how can I possibly still need more? S and I just have to keep practicing and keep working on the communication piece. I still have faith that we'll get there. And I need to find more ways to fulfill my own needs instead of wallowing in disappointment when he can't be there for me. For me, this means staying well away from the TV first of all. And instead doing more reading and writing, praying, horseback riding, and maybe even cooking now that the busy gardening season is winding down.
And tonight, it means dressing up and handing out candy ( my stepdad suggesting having a bowl of assorted, brightly colored condoms to hand out to the high schoolers).