Tuesday, August 26, 2008

More than Annoyed

S didn't go to group last night. Said he got there too late. So he went to the marina and drank instead. He didn't drink much, which is unusual, and normally I'd take it as a good sign. But he drank again today. It's 6:30pm and he's asleep in bed. Passed out, I guess you'd say. I'm trying to be understanding. But really, I'm just annoyed right now. He's on vacation this week and he said he was pissed because his boss called him this morning. But what the fuck! Don't drink because of that! Christ. Even without meds, I really wish he'd make some kind of fucking effort. Like go to an AA meeting or two, for instance. The feeling sorry for himself routine just drives me up the wall sometimes. I try to be understanding, really I do. I know he can't look on the bright side of things, either because of his personality or brain chemistry or some combination of factors, but it gets old after a while.
I'm going away for a long Labor Day weekend. I'm excited to see the family, and frankly, I'm glad to be getting away from this for a few days. Of course, while I'm gone he's hosting a little bachelor party on the boat. Probably not going to be a sober weekend then. Ninety five percent of the time I'm committed to working this out with him. But every now and again I feel like bailing on the whole jar of pickles and looking for a new start. But everyone's got their issues.
Maybe it's time to call up Martha (our couple counselor) for a visit. It's been a few weeks, and she's a great way for the two of us to clear the air. I guess I'll have to wait until I get back from the weekend.
For the moment, I'll have to do something with myself on this Tuesday night. Even though I worked hard all day and get home about 12 hours after I leave in the morning, there is still laundry all over the house that needs to get put away and some sort of dinner. I'm sorry but I'm pissed off about this. I guaran-damn-tee you if I was on vacation the house would be spotless and dinner would be ready by the time he walked in the door after a long day at work. I sure as hell wouldn't leave a mess and be passed out in bed.
Here's where the brain disease part of this whole matter is really hard. I wouldn't be mad if he left a mess and was asleep upstairs if he had cancer, right? Is it the co-occuring mental disorders coming into play? Depression and addiction? As health issues, why are they harder to sympathize with than cancer or diabetes? Is it the diseases that keep him from seeking AA meetings and instead spending the day on the couch?

There's another layer to the madness that involves an issue of mine. In my past, I learned that attention from men meant I was accepted and needed. There's a history there that I don't need to get into. While S was drinking, I flirted with men and around the time of our divorce I crossed a line and exchanged some pretty hot 'n heavy text messages with another man. S found the messages and it's caused a lot of damage that we've struggled with over the past year. Through Martha, I've been able to see where my behavior came from and it hasn't been a problem for me recently (though we are still dealing with my previous behavior to this day). BUT, today I have the urge to go out and build myself up again by finding some man to stroke my ego. It makes sense, in some sick way. I feel shitty because he's drunk and passed out again. A little superficial flirting would give me that empowered high. Twisted, I guess. And I won't do it because I understand that it's superficial. Nevertheless, I wish he could show a little appreciation for me right now. And right now is when he's least able to do that.
Signing off lonely and lost for now,

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