Guilty. Of having a couple big glasses of wine while S is off to counseling. Sue me. I'm tired. I work my ass off all day and my back is killing me. I don't have a drinking problem. So I have the ability to come home, pop a couple ibuprofen and wash them down with a little pinot. But I still feel guilty.
Monday nights have been a bit problematic in recent history. S attends a group counseling session for addicts, and then was hitting an AA meeting on his way home. But the pattern became counseling, AA, then drinking and coming home drunk. So he's been skipping AA. But still. Every night he's away, I have to wonder what state he'll come. I suppose it will be like this for the rest of our lives.
There are worse burden's to bear.
I truly believe that he can't help it. He knows I despise him drunk. And he hates to hurt me by coming home that way. He can't stop drinking to excess every time, without exception. The poor man. How can I not feel for him? He's not in control. Can you even imagine what that might feel like?
So I stay. Because I've gotten to a point where it doesn't feel like the end of the relationship every time he drinks. Even though he's not the person I know and love when he's under the influence, i know he can't help it. My understanding of the whole issue has grown and changed.
We haven't been to our couples counselor in a couple weeks, and neither of us seem eager to go back. Martha was really terrific for a while and helped us tremendously. We learned a lot about patience and communication. But we haven't come to an understanding about the alcohol with her. Recently, it has felt as though she's lost patience. Does she want us to split in order to give him to room to address his addiction? Maybe she's frustrated with his lack of action. Understandable. But I'm frustrated with her lack of solutions. She thinks that when he understands WHY he drinks, he'll be better able to control it. But I don't think he drinks to deal with some trauma in his past. I think he drank a lot socially from a young age and the alcoholic gene finally caught up with him. Throw in some depressive tendencies and a construction worker environment that includes lots of beer and pot. Does there need to be any deeper reason?
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