He's drinking tonight. All day long I knew this was coming. I knew it when I went to bed last night. I didn't even stop at home after work. Instead, I went straight to the marina and pulled in right behind him. We talked, or tried to. I hate talking to him when he's been drinking. It's so hard to control my temper and tell him that I love him and to be safe when I want to scream and rant and become unnaturally violent. These are the difficult times. Tomorrow he'll be remorseful and depressed. Tomorrow night or the next he'll come around and probably apologize. He'll probably tell me he appreciates what I'm trying to do. I'm not trying to belittle his words (or future words). I know he's sincere. He's sincere every time and it will last a few days, maybe a week or more before it happens again.
But tonight he resents me for bringing up the "drinking problem" every night I've been home (all of two days). He resents me for having this blog, or needing this blog. He resents that it's not his own personal problem but our problem.
And I just want....relief, I think. And maybe a little human interaction. This blogging community I'm discovering is amazing, but you'll have to forgive me for still wanting to look into another person's eyes, for needing hugs, for wanting some love and affection.
From moment to moment I'm committed, then ready to walk; heartbroken, then full of love; scared then hopeful. Will it always be like this? I'm afraid I know the answer already.
3 comments:
It's a wonderful blog. Thanks for sharing.
Molly, what hit me was you said--I knew this was coming when I went to bed last night. Ugh..I know that feeling. You start watching for the signs, then hope by some miracle they don't let you down again.
After awhile you're living every day just waiting for the next crisis.
It's good you have made a friend. I hope you can confide in her.
hey! that is hard! i know the feeling from both sides. my dad used to drink and i used to drink... don't give up. eventually he'll hear your words. and i too can understand your anger and frustration. i'll pop in again if i may...
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