Ramblings on living and loving a man with a brain disease called alcoholism.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
An off night...
He's drinking tonight. All day long I knew this was coming. I knew it when I went to bed last night. I didn't even stop at home after work. Instead, I went straight to the marina and pulled in right behind him. We talked, or tried to. I hate talking to him when he's been drinking. It's so hard to control my temper and tell him that I love him and to be safe when I want to scream and rant and become unnaturally violent. These are the difficult times. Tomorrow he'll be remorseful and depressed. Tomorrow night or the next he'll come around and probably apologize. He'll probably tell me he appreciates what I'm trying to do. I'm not trying to belittle his words (or future words). I know he's sincere. He's sincere every time and it will last a few days, maybe a week or more before it happens again. But tonight he resents me for bringing up the "drinking problem" every night I've been home (all of two days). He resents me for having this blog, or needing this blog. He resents that it's not his own personal problem but our problem. And I just want....relief, I think. And maybe a little human interaction. This blogging community I'm discovering is amazing, but you'll have to forgive me for still wanting to look into another person's eyes, for needing hugs, for wanting some love and affection. From moment to moment I'm committed, then ready to walk; heartbroken, then full of love; scared then hopeful. Will it always be like this? I'm afraid I know the answer already.