Wednesday, September 24, 2008

No more elephants!!

S is feeling a lot better these days. It could be the pills. He's still going to AA every night which relieves my worries quite a bit. We went back to our couples counselor tonight. She helped me (us, hopefully) to break down what has happened recently and how it fits into our past and our future.
The past six weeks, S has been drinking much more heavily and our communication fell to pretty much nothing. As he says he was either drunk or hungover pretty much every day from the end of July until the past week. As the therapist says, he was essentially not in the relationship. Checked out. Gone. So now that he's sober and feeling better, I want desperately to connect with him, to make sure we're still on the same path, to check back into the relationship. So I keep bringing the drinking up. Whenever we talk, that's what I want to talk about. But S is feeling better, he's not feeling the urges to drink, in fact, he's not thinking about alcohol very much at all. And he definitely doesn't want to bring that subject back into the foreground. We needed her to point this out to us. She suggested to me to hang back another week or two and see how S continues to feel with these meds. So I'm going to try to relax a little about this overwhelming need to communicate to S exactly how I'm feeling. Instead, I'm going to try to plan some fun dates and places to go and things to do to build up our foundation again and remind us why we're together. Hopefully this will inspire him to do the same.
I'm also going to encourage him to read this blog to see what kind of dialogue it opens up. I'd like to see a post on here from S. Wouldn't you?
S and I have a long road ahead of us. But we're together because we believe the journey is worth the struggles. I'm 27 years old with a lot of life ahead of me and I want my future to include S. Sober. I want to buy a house with him and maybe raise a family with him. I want him to be my rock in life, the person I can count on to be my partner, my support, my shoulder to cry on. He's the other half of my spoon.
The therapist tonight said "Sometimes you gotta fight for it". Sometimes we have to just say what's on our minds, not hold it in, not wait for a better time, just say it. And if that means a fight, well so be it. A fight at least is not pushing issues aside. No more pretending things are okay when they're not. No more elephants! Please!

That's all for now.


Syd said...

I wanted all those things too. But I eventually learned that I couldn't depend on getting them from another. It was a hard lesson. And I'm still trying to absorb it.

Shadow said...

yes, some things are worth fighting for. i'm holding thumbs for the both of you!

Addicted Rantings said...

Molly~ I have lived with elephants in the room for many years (I could have started a parade). I think though, as you have so keenly pointed out, it MUST be acknowledged. Sometimes there is pain in doing that but for the sake of the relationship, if there is any hope for recovery and survival, this must be accomplished.

or I could just be full of shit...

either way you sound very healthy to me.

Lou said...

I think spunky little Molls is a fighter for sure. BTW, that's one of the few times I've heard of a therapist making any sense. (oops, I'm in trouble for that!)

I'm glad you tackled this problem head on. At your age, I would have buried my head in the sand for sure.

Kathy Lynne said...

Maybe S might want to consider his own blog on how he is feeling. But he may not want to share it with you just yet. Can you accept that?

Cat said...

Oh Molls if you both want it - then it can happen I assure you - it is possible but its a long hard haul and you both have to be dedicated not only to one another but to yourselves and your own processes. I wish you all the best! Cat

cedrorum said...

My wife and I communicated quite well after she got out of rehab. Although, it was and still is up to her, and only her, to stay sober and take part in our relationship. I can't make her do that. I'm confident you two will feel this all out. When my wife was fresh out of rehab I was just happy to be grateful for that for a while. It's a whole new relationship for you both. Give it time.