S is feeling a lot better these days. It could be the pills. He's still going to AA every night which relieves my worries quite a bit. We went back to our couples counselor tonight. She helped me (us, hopefully) to break down what has happened recently and how it fits into our past and our future.
The past six weeks, S has been drinking much more heavily and our communication fell to pretty much nothing. As he says he was either drunk or hungover pretty much every day from the end of July until the past week. As the therapist says, he was essentially not in the relationship. Checked out. Gone. So now that he's sober and feeling better, I want desperately to connect with him, to make sure we're still on the same path, to check back into the relationship. So I keep bringing the drinking up. Whenever we talk, that's what I want to talk about. But S is feeling better, he's not feeling the urges to drink, in fact, he's not thinking about alcohol very much at all. And he definitely doesn't want to bring that subject back into the foreground. We needed her to point this out to us. She suggested to me to hang back another week or two and see how S continues to feel with these meds. So I'm going to try to relax a little about this overwhelming need to communicate to S exactly how I'm feeling. Instead, I'm going to try to plan some fun dates and places to go and things to do to build up our foundation again and remind us why we're together. Hopefully this will inspire him to do the same.
I'm also going to encourage him to read this blog to see what kind of dialogue it opens up. I'd like to see a post on here from S. Wouldn't you?
S and I have a long road ahead of us. But we're together because we believe the journey is worth the struggles. I'm 27 years old with a lot of life ahead of me and I want my future to include S. Sober. I want to buy a house with him and maybe raise a family with him. I want him to be my rock in life, the person I can count on to be my partner, my support, my shoulder to cry on. He's the other half of my spoon.
The therapist tonight said "Sometimes you gotta fight for it". Sometimes we have to just say what's on our minds, not hold it in, not wait for a better time, just say it. And if that means a fight, well so be it. A fight at least is not pushing issues aside. No more pretending things are okay when they're not. No more elephants! Please!
That's all for now.
It's Been a Decade!
9 months ago