Saturday, September 27, 2008

All I've got

You know, I just can't win in this. I can't seem to get it right and I don't know what to do.

I spent the afternoon with my neighbor who is becoming a good friend to me. We're women and we like to talk and share and sometimes complain about our men. So I've shared some things with her about S and me. But after she left today, S asked me if I showed her this blog. I had and I told him so. I tried to ask him if he was okay with that, what he felt, but he just shut me out entirely saying, "I don't know how I feel so you don't have to sit there and stare at me." Well, what am I supposed to do?

It's just all too much. I can't talk to him about anything, he's not crazy about my blogging, not crazy about me talking to my one and only goddamn friend, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I know the therapist said to wait and be patient but it's fucking hard, you know? I can't believe that he's feeling better when I feel worse.
Why isn't he reaching out to me? Why doesn't he seem to care about how I'm doing, or how we're doing? Does he really think everything is okay?? I just don't believe that. And I don't understand what's happening to us.

So what do I have to be grateful for right now? My health, a roof over my head, my cat, Notre Dame beating Purdue (I hope, it's still the 4th quarter but they're up by 17), a great job...

wow, well that's about all I've got at this moment. It'll have to do.

10 comments:

AlkySeltzer said...

Ya know Molls, none of us men (don't know about women!) like CHANGE. So we clam up, it's our defense against FEAR--the best defense is an offense, right? Especially, if we men are intimidated when our spouse finds a new way of life, e.g., Alcoholics Anonymous. and REALLY especially if I (husband is still drinking.

Now, the following is NOT advice, just a question: have you tried Alanon?

I'm so fortunate, sober long time, and Anna is sober 23 years--we do communicate--it's SO important. But...in God's time.

PRAYER GIRL said...

I noticed.
And thanks for visiting my site. I got your comment about boundaries.
Please drop me a line so I can respond to you - - if you wish.
My e-mail address is:
oneprayergirl@gmail.com
In the meantime, keep in mind, that ALL change - yours, his, everyone's - happens slowly.

TraceyBaby said...

Thanks for checking me out...

Sometimes husbands suck! lol

Glad you made a little grateful list at the end.

I might start doing that on my blog. It's a good idea, especially on these rough days.

AlkySeltzer said...

Comment #2 (I think?) Anyway, Molls, don't know how else to tell you RE your comment on my blog about the suicide. NOTE: YOU were the only commentoe who got it right, IMO.

Although I do not believe in suicide, who am I to judge. For, as you stated, "What a loving way to go! And that's the way we all saw it.

Also, the poem was simply to show where this disease (maybe not you, but someone close to you?) Alcoholism can REALLY lead...I have seen two other "recoverer" suicides, one just last week.

ALSO, I believe it is possible to be happy, yet saddened, at the same time!

Hope I'm not boring you!
Steve E.

cedrorum said...

When my wife was newly sober it was a bit strange for both of us. It was a new way of living for both of us; and we didn't necessarily know how to live it. I read as much literature as I could, including the big book, and went to some open AA meetings even before she was out of rehab to try and understand what she was going through. Not so much for her, but for me. I still go to AA meetings, usually with her. It keeps me grounded about the disease we are both dealing with, even though she is the one with the disease. All you can do is try and talk with him and take care of yourself. I hope he starts opening up more.

Lou said...

Some people don't care for blogging or having their personal problems out there. We are all different that way. My husband does not like the idea of my blog (but he does like my blog if ya know what I mean). He doesn't read it all the time, and I try to keep him out of it (no pics). In your case, your husband is reading the things you want to say to him...I could see where that would be hard.

Syd said...

I've found that marriage after recovery is just as hard as marriage before recovery/sobriety. It's just different with confusion of the mind and not knowing how to react. It's a muddle for a while until everyone gets their heads screwed on properly. And people change at different rates. That makes things difficult too. I would take care of myself and do what I need to do in my recovery. The other person either gets it now or hopefully will get it later.

Molls said...

Alky, I think you're right. I think he's just enjoying new feelings right now and we just haven't connected. After a good nights sleep, I feel much better and he's been a doll this morning.
I haven't tried alanon recently, but it's on my todo list. :-)
Lou, how'd you work through the blogging with your husband?
Thanks for the love y'all. I really appreciate it.

Cat said...

Molls from the time husband had just begun AA until about 6 months into it - things were wierd - uncoordinated - it felt like we were strangers and talking was difficult sometimes because he did so much talking at his meetings - I spent allot of time working on me and waiting for him to open up and eventually he did - and he has since then - I know your in a hard spot - blogging has helped me through it - Don't stop!

Cat

Over- comer said...

Molls, I am the addict in my relationship...(I found you through a comment you left on a not so nice person's blog...but I won't name any names.) Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that recovery is hard, both for the person with the addiction, and the person "without" it. My addiction isn't alcohol, but I think it's probably worse...I say probably because it's all in a person's perspective. For your partner, alcoholism could be much worse than my addiction...Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm guessing that you don't believe in God, but even if you don't, that's ok. I will pray for you anyway, if you don't mind. (I'm not judgmental at all, and will not push my beliefs upon you.) I hope you are blessed today and everyday.