Another rough night

Last night I cried and cried because he won’t reach out to me. We talked just a couple weeks ago about how I needed time with him, just being together and enjoying each others company. I need that to feel close with him, to talk about things. But the next day he told me that if something’s on my mind I have to bring it up, stop the TV and force the conversation. I feel at the end of my rope. We have counseling tomorrow and I don’t even want to go. Sunday night, after a lazy day, he reminded me about my (birth-control)pills. I asked him, half-kidding, if we could just stop. He shrugged and asked if I’d buy the condoms. Hell yes! And I just felt a thrill and a sense of relief to be off the pills, to be taking an action towards having children someday. And then the very next night, in the middle of his 3 hour nap on the couch, he asks me if he wants me to pick up the pills since it’s not too late. I told him I didn’t even know what to say to that. He rolled over and went back to sleep. We didn’t really talk for the rest of the night.
I feel so angry with him and with myself. Why do I always have to be the one to reach out, make the connection, make the effort. Last night I wanted to throw a temper tantrum. I wanted to break something, throw his clothes out the windows, scream and pound my fists into the walls.
We ended up getting distracted from our silence by a little skirmish on the street. And he held me when he finally came to bed. But I’m still frustrated. I feel like he’s not making the effort to talk when something’s wrong. So then I feel like the big baby who always has the issues, or the typical woman who always needs to talk about my feelings. And it makes me so angry.
I was also thrown for a loop when he came home and said he hadn’t gone to his meeting because there wasn’t any place to park. So he went to the office instead. This is the first time in over 4 months that he hasn’t gone to a meeting. The only other time was the middle of a blizzard, and even then he tried to go, but the church was locked up tight. When he told me he didn’t go I felt my stomach drop. I found myself searching for signs that he drank.

It was shortly after when I went upstairs and cried and cried.

I haven’t been to my Sunday AlAnon in a couple weeks, and my excuse has been all this crazy snow. But I definitely need to get myself to a meeting before I lose my mind.