Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Another rough night

Last night I cried and cried because he won’t reach out to me. We talked just a couple weeks ago about how I needed time with him, just being together and enjoying each others company. I need that to feel close with him, to talk about things. But the next day he told me that if something’s on my mind I have to bring it up, stop the TV and force the conversation. I feel at the end of my rope. We have counseling tomorrow and I don’t even want to go. Sunday night, after a lazy day, he reminded me about my (birth-control)pills. I asked him, half-kidding, if we could just stop. He shrugged and asked if I’d buy the condoms. Hell yes! And I just felt a thrill and a sense of relief to be off the pills, to be taking an action towards having children someday. And then the very next night, in the middle of his 3 hour nap on the couch, he asks me if he wants me to pick up the pills since it’s not too late. I told him I didn’t even know what to say to that. He rolled over and went back to sleep. We didn’t really talk for the rest of the night.
I feel so angry with him and with myself. Why do I always have to be the one to reach out, make the connection, make the effort. Last night I wanted to throw a temper tantrum. I wanted to break something, throw his clothes out the windows, scream and pound my fists into the walls.
We ended up getting distracted from our silence by a little skirmish on the street. And he held me when he finally came to bed. But I’m still frustrated. I feel like he’s not making the effort to talk when something’s wrong. So then I feel like the big baby who always has the issues, or the typical woman who always needs to talk about my feelings. And it makes me so angry.
I was also thrown for a loop when he came home and said he hadn’t gone to his meeting because there wasn’t any place to park. So he went to the office instead. This is the first time in over 4 months that he hasn’t gone to a meeting. The only other time was the middle of a blizzard, and even then he tried to go, but the church was locked up tight. When he told me he didn’t go I felt my stomach drop. I found myself searching for signs that he drank.

It was shortly after when I went upstairs and cried and cried.

I haven’t been to my Sunday AlAnon in a couple weeks, and my excuse has been all this crazy snow. But I definitely need to get myself to a meeting before I lose my mind.

12 comments:

Paige said...

I feel for you. I find relationships so incredibly difficult and when addiction is in the mix it becomes so much tougher. Here's hoping that love, obviously paired with hard work, will win out.

Live and Learn the Hard Way said...

I understand. I have often felt the same way myself. Nothing is worse than being upset and having the person most able to give you comfort pretend, or refuse to see that you need their closeness. Hang in there.

~Tyra~ said...

Take care, hope you get to a meeting.

steveroni said...

Paige says "love...paired with hard work, will win out." Well, yes, but that hard work has to be done by the TWOS, that's TWO people WANTING the result, TWO people working for a goal, TWO people working TWO-gether!

Molls, I am truly sorry you are having these difficulties, and I know them SO WELL--because...I WAS HIM! Get it? That's how I know. And I know so much more on the topic, just because I know how HE thinks (and you don't, neither did MY wives, live-ins, etc., etc.) it was always "my secret" how I could drive you, right into any corner I pleased, and meake you think it was YOUR fault! Ho, ho, ho!

You wrote:
"But I definitely need to get myself to a meeting before I lose my mind." YESSSSSS! Alanon, and please have a sponsor, and USE her. And TODAY, rather then tomorrow, if at ALL possible. You need this for your SANITY, believe me. And whatever God has planned will happen, it will, without much direction from you (or me, I guess!!!)--Steve, get off the soapbox, ya dummy!

Molls, I'm just SO tired of girls like you being taken advantage of by guys like ME--"Used-to-be-me", I mean.
AA HUGS {{{{Molls}}}} from
Steve E.

Syd said...

I hope that you will get to a meeting. I've learned that I'm not the one that has to always reach out or make the effort. I just have to take care of myself and allow others to do what they need to do as well. I am not the Higher Power for another.

Cat said...

Communication is a very difficult thing, seriously for you get to a meeting - I know I am in desperate need of one today as well - I am considering a divorce - a fianl end to all of this mess - all this hard work that I feel he is not putting effort into...
Maybe, just maybe a meeting will help.

(hugs)

Sarah said...

Oh hon, I feel your pain. And it sucks. Big hugs and I'll keep you in my prayers.
- Sarah

Kathy Lynne said...

communication is one of our problems too...because of my changing and him not changing..because of the elephants that still linger in the room..because of expectations..because of projections....beware the skipped meetings for both of you.

Shadow said...

i know the feeling, trying and trying from one side, nothing from the other... it's frustrating, it hurts. take a breather and get yourself to a meeting. hopefully, both of you. good luck!

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Connections are so complex...ugh. DH and I went to counseling and we have benfitted from bringing up the topics in that forum, meetings are great too; and I think that writing it and feeling your feelings as you need to is very important. Know that there are many here with you on this journey, you're NOT alone.

Kathy Lynne said...

you know what i thought of Molls, too? They say no major changes in the first year of sobrity...maybe a baby or just the discussion of a baby is too big right now???

RipGurl said...

Check out the Lemonade Stand award on my blog dated 1/22. You are nominated!