Working on it

Our homework for this week, as assigned by our couples counselor, is to write down everything we're thinking and feeling about having a child. This makes a lot of sense as we're having so much trouble talking this one out. I thought I'd do my homework here:

Baby.
Yes, I definitely want one, probably two. The smart plan would be to buy a house first. But I know that life doesn't always move according to plan. And I'm off the pill now, so accidents could happen. You know, being on the pill allows relationships to avoid the biology of their existence. Before birth control, there was no living together for years to see if two people were compatible. We've had almost 7 years of trying to figure out if we could make this work. I guess I'm tired of farting around, so to speak. We love each other. We still dedicated to making it work. We're still trying, still going to counseling, still getting better, little by little. Sometimes we slip and lose intimacy. Sometimes we become frightened to show weakness and need. But the love is still there. I know we'll be great parents.
So I want to talk about it and dream about it. I want to know what he's scared of and what he's excited about. The plan may be not to get pregnant until after we have a house, but that doesn't mean the whole subject gets locked up until that time.
As for me, I like to think about being pregnant, having an infant and watching it grow. I'm surrounded by pregnant women right now, and that affects me. I think, why wait? I know finances will be tight. But I also know that I'm really good with money and I could make it work, especially if Steve were to hand that over to me. I'd budget everything out. And I'll do whatever it takes to make sure we can keep the boat.
When it comes to raising a child, I don't want it to be exposed to TV for as long as possible. I want it to read and play. And I want us to be involved in that. So I'd hope that Steve would be able to keep the TV off as much as possible.
Sometimes I think about how I'd want to teach a child about spirituality. I didn't grow up with church or religion. I pray now and believe in a higher power. How does one teach a child these things? I wonder if I should check out the UU church in town?
We walked down the baby aisle in the grocery store yesterday. 64 diapers cost $22. A baby goes thru 10-12 diapers a day. That comes out to about $3.50 a day in diapers, right? Call it $25/week. But I know I throw that kind of money around on all kinds of miscellany.
My guess is that Steve also wants a baby, but wants a house first. He's much more concerned about finances. And I think we don't talk about it because he doesn't want to have to tell me No, Not Yet.
Well, we'll see how the conversation goes. For now I'm grateful that the TV's been off a lot more. I'm grateful that we still love each other and still want to make it work. I'm grateful for a beautiful day and a warm house and a bright future. And all that is plenty for me.