Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A little history

I was cleaning out my inbox today and found a whole bunch of emails from when Steve and I were splitting up. It made me so sad to read those. And so grateful we stayed together. Emails about the apartment and divorce papers and trying so hard to do right by ourselves and each other. Emails filled with longing for good times again. Emails filled with regret for the way things turned out.
Steve and I did divorce. But we never really separated. He got his own apartment, but after a few months was staying with me almost every night. We moved back in together officially one year (almost to the day) after our initial split. I wish we had never had to end our marriage. But I think that was a big part of the reason that Steve started examining his alcohol use and abuse. He was still drinking even when we moved back in together. And I was doubting my decision constantly. Thank god for counseling.
When I read back through some of my posts from the summer and fall, I'm amazed at how awful things were before AA. Alcoholics Anonymous gave me my Steve again. I never thought that would be possible. And now he's approaching 5 months of sobriety. It doesn't sound like much, but it feels like heaven.

Today I am grateful for:
The snow falling outside. It's beautiful, even though I'm tired of winter. I get to work from home on days like this.

My new cat curled up next to me on the couch.

A warm house. A terrific job.

Another day that I don't have to wonder how drunk he'll be when he comes home.
Another day of having my partner fully present.
Another day to learn to trust each other again.
Another day to fill with love and gratitude.


Syd said...

That's awesome about you and Steve. I'm glad that it worked out. Sometimes such a shock as a separation/divorce is what it takes to get someone's attention.

Cat said...

I never knew you had gone through so much with the same guy, I always thought it was an ex and your current was, well Mr. New.

Thank you for posting this - I feel hopeful.

Live and Learn the Hard Way said...

Congratulations on those five months. I know well the relief you must feel at having some of your life back again. b and I are working towards that every day.

Sarah said...

I am in awe that you two have stuck it out through so much. It gives me hope. My husband and I didn't have a bad marriage until I actually got sober, and it's been a rough road since. He never did the Alanon thing (he went about three times) and I think that would have helped. AA helped me tremendously. Anyways, just giving my two cents, as usual. Nice blog, Sarah

Oh, and I have 5 months and some days, too. (this time. but I'm so happy aobut it.)

Robert V. Sobczak said...

That reminds me of the Johnny Cash song "ring of fire:" sometimes in life you have to jump through them to get to the other side.

Shadow said...

to be able to look back, see the pain, and feel the good that's there now... all my love to both of you!

rcali4233 said...

That post gives me hope even when i get divorced i will have hope.

cedrorum said...

Very glad to hear things are going so well. I'm also glad for AA and the fact that my wife realized she needed to participate in that. It surely has helped many alcoholics where nothing else could.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

There is so much hope here, AA brought me back to my life again and present to those I love, your story is amazing, keep it up and thank you for the brilliant gratitude.

steveroni said...

Molls, you know I just L.O.V.E. reading "success" stories. And yours looks to be that way, at least for today--after all, that's all we have. But I'm betting you'll have tomorrow ALSO -grin!

Steve E.

Eli said...

Thanks so much for your beautiful post. I have broken my wife's trust so many times and I want more than anything to give her the love she deserves, and to be someone worthy of her trust. And we know that five months is a huge deal, don't we?! All the best to you both. I too am thankful the beauty in today.