Ramblings on living and loving a man with a brain disease called alcoholism.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
A little history
I was cleaning out my inbox today and found a whole bunch of emails from when Steve and I were splitting up. It made me so sad to read those. And so grateful we stayed together. Emails about the apartment and divorce papers and trying so hard to do right by ourselves and each other. Emails filled with longing for good times again. Emails filled with regret for the way things turned out. Steve and I did divorce. But we never really separated. He got his own apartment, but after a few months was staying with me almost every night. We moved back in together officially one year (almost to the day) after our initial split. I wish we had never had to end our marriage. But I think that was a big part of the reason that Steve started examining his alcohol use and abuse. He was still drinking even when we moved back in together. And I was doubting my decision constantly. Thank god for counseling. When I read back through some of my posts from the summer and fall, I'm amazed at how awful things were before AA. Alcoholics Anonymous gave me my Steve again. I never thought that would be possible. And now he's approaching 5 months of sobriety. It doesn't sound like much, but it feels like heaven.
Today I am grateful for: The snow falling outside. It's beautiful, even though I'm tired of winter. I get to work from home on days like this.
My new cat curled up next to me on the couch.
A warm house. A terrific job.
Another day that I don't have to wonder how drunk he'll be when he comes home. Another day of having my partner fully present. Another day to learn to trust each other again. Another day to fill with love and gratitude.