Monday, March 2, 2009

Scared of Monsters

By the light of a new day, my fears about buying the house feel much more manageable. Last night, I felt swallowed up by enormous monsters of irrational fear; fear of losing my life savings, fear of making the wrong choice, fear of markets crashing, the world imploding, the seas rising...

Steve stayed patient with me. When he came to bed we talked and he held me and I calmed down. I don't have to worry about our relationship. He's sober. I'm committed. We've worked through a lot of shit and made it. And when I think about my future, he's always in the picture. He's my family, and I love him with all my heart and soul.

The house is the right price. It's in the right location. It has everything we want. I don't know what else will come onto the market. But I don't want to lose our chance at this place while we wait for something better to come along. We've looked at a lot of houses, and this one fits us BOTH.

It feels like jumping off a cliff, taking a LEAP into the unknown, betting it all on one hand. It's easy to take risks when the consequences are small or unknown.

I remember riding an amusement park ride where you're lifted straight up in the air and then dropped straight down. That rush of anti-gravity was so exhilarating, that I stood in line over and over again.
My freshman year in college, I walked out the door of the dining hall carrying one of the heavy, wooden dining hall chairs, past the old ladies watching the students to make sure we didn't smuggle food, and brought it across the quad to my dorm room. To me, it was a minor thrill. My friends were shocked and awed.
Last month I called a competing business and pretended to be a potential client to find out pricing information for my coworker.
These are the small risks that I have no problem making. My actions don't affect anyone but me, and the consequences don't hurt anyone.

This action, buying our first home, requires me to be brave in a whole other way. It's a commitment to our future. It's exciting and exhilarating as an amusement park ride, but without the guarantee of a safety harness. I'm praying about it, and slowly feeling more certain, more ready, more excited.

Next step...take off?!?


steveroni said...

Molls, this is a great blog.

"I'm praying about it, and slowly feeling more certain, more ready, more excited.

Next step...take off?!?"

You wrote that, but I'm FEELING it right now, the excitment, the minimal, healthy FEAR, and the decision to GO FOR IT?
Steve E.

Cat said...

Oh good for you!!! I love the picture as well - its all a process - take it at your own pace!

Gabriella Moonlight said...

What a brave post too. I think that it's all about remaining open that no matter what, it will change and more will be revealed. How amazing that you are seeing!

Sarah said...

Go for it. If you never buy a house, you'll never own a home.



Kathy Lynne said...

it is a leap...Leap of Faith....

Eli said...

House shopping is hard work! I liked when you described the thrills you've felt when taking (healthy) risks. At least for me, I know that part of my addiction is because I don't do this enough. It's great to be alive and step out and do something scary - so best wishes on the house.

Eli said...

"I don't have to worry about our relationship. He's sober. I'm committed."
What a great place to be. Every morning in the shower, I remember that no matter how tough my day is, at least I'm sober. Nothing else can ever really be impossible as long as I don't go back to the insanity.
Hope the house works out.

Anonymous said...

Good luck in your new home!! How exciting!

Prayer Girl said...

Hi Molls,
I just came across a "draft" email from back in September that I think I never sent you. You had asked me some questions.

Anyway, here I am reading your March 2, 2009 blog. So.....what has happened? Are you a home owner now?

I also saw the picture of your trip to Florida - how very beautiful. Wonderful that you got that upgrade with that view. Heaven on earth!!

Love and prayers,
Prayer Girl